Postage Stamp Chat Board & Stamp Bulletin Board Forum
 

Abbot looked at Gillard, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 note out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Gillard shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy". Hearing their exchange, the pilot of plane said to his co-pilot,"Such big-shots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and make 23 million people very happy!"

_________________
AUSTRALIA 2013 EXHIBITION - 10 to 15 MAY 2013 - http://www.australia2013.com

"Wrong Number"

One very angry young lady!

http://www.owned.lv/13095/Wrong-number/

Two wives gossip: "You know, my husband is a heavy drinker - I think he might be an alcoholic!" The other wife replies: "Alcoholic? I have worse: my husband is a filibuster, oh no, no, he is a syphilist or something like that... ."

Voice from adjacent room: "how many times do I have to tell you that I am a philatelist!"

One day a man decided to go sit on his porch and watch the sun rise and set. The next thing you know there is a blonde running to her mailbox. She kept running back and forth from her house to the mailbox for a good ten minutes.

Finally the man got tired of wondering, and asked, "Why do you keep running back and forth to the mailbox?"

The blonde replied, "My computer keeps saying I've got mail."

THE IRISH VIRGIN

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring
to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went
to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal
clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the
following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN,
LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the
funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the
tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that
the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the
wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's
final request, considering the very limited space available on the
small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience
as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was
the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and
it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"

What do you call a dead deer with no eyes? (still no eye deer)

_________________
ARL premierships: EASTERN SUBURBS/SYDNEY ROOSTERS - 1911, 1912, 1913, 1923, 1935, 1936, 1937, 1940, 1945, 1974, 1975, 2002 & 2013

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a swimming pool?

Bob

What do you call a bloke with rabbits inside his rectum?

Warren

How do you get a politician down from a tree in London?

Cut the noose off the rope.

MY LAST SHOPPING TRIP

I've got two 2 dogs.

I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The "Meaty Bites Diet" again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.



I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.


I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.



Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

Headlines from the year 2030

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh-largest country in the world, Little South Asia, formerly known as Australia
...

Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie
...
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Australia's third language
...
Children from 2-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different' -- Tolerance urged.
...
Gay marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice
...
Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing burqa -- being Christian is no excuse, says school: Sharia law must be enforced
...
Japan announces it will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet is unemployed; an Australian tells Japan, cane toads taste like whale meat
...
Australia now has 10 universities of political correctness. Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think
...
Australian deficit $10 trillion and rising; Govt declares return to surplus in 100 years -- 300 years ahead of schedule. PM Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success
...
Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch
...

A Baby was conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
...

Iran still quarantined; physicists estimate it will take 10 years for radioactivity to decrease to safe level
...
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic countries -- no nation steps forward. Serves them right.
...

Castro dies aged 104; Cuban cigars can now be imported to US legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned smoking

...
Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US president in 2032.
..

Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and cuts deliveries to Wednesdays only.
...
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in VicIndia and New South Iraq.
...
Senate still blocks drilling in Canberra as petrol hits 5000 rupees a litre and petrol stations are now open only on Tuesdays and Fridays
...
Supreme Court rules punishing criminals violates their civil rights: victims to share responsibility for crime
...
New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons
...
Australian Tax Office cuts tax rate to 75 per cent - lowest in decades

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

Don't mess with old retired guys!

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me,
a now very embarrassed man.


But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'


The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh#+.

Edinburgh festival fringe.

'' The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

...

Veteran entertainer Paul Daniels won the wooden spoon for the worst joke of the festival.

He won the dubious honour for his gag: "I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532

But you should be toasted for that one.

The Koala and The Lizard

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint



when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'



The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'



So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.



The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.



Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,



'Faaaaaaaark dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

Texting for Seniors



Teens have theirs, now seniors can have their own texting codes (LOL, OMG e.g.). I thought the following listing was appropriate ... after all the kids have all their little codes.... So here are some codes for seniors:



ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TOT - Texting on Toilet
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where're the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

Irish Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ....

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

If Albert Einstein had decided to become a rapper instead of a physicist, do you think he would have called himself M.C.² ?

_________________
Always looking for modern Canada on paper!
Topical Interests: Disney, Boats/Sailing Ships/Lighthouses, Horses/Horsedrawn, Butterflies/Insects, and Trains - E-mail me with descriptions or scans if you have some!

_________________
Mike
Why do we need perforations? Scissors are cheap!

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, hehehehe

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

_________________
AUSTRALIA 2013 EXHIBITION - 10 to 15 MAY 2013 - http://www.australia2013.com

Dumb Cowboy, Smart Indian


The Lone Ranger (Cowboy) and Tonto (Indian) went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep for the night.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says: 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies: 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says: 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.


What does it tell you, Tonto?'



'It tell me, you dumber than buffalo poo.... Someone stole tent.'

_________________
Greg - Looking for Goulburn Australia Cancels and Grangemouth Scotland Cancels and Covers
Member of the S.T.A.M.P Club for Slightly Twisted And Mad Philatelists - Motto: "Bring back the lick!"

It is better to avoid Racist, Sexist, Religious or other unfortunate humour in our jokes.

I intend to remain only with proven scientific facts;

It has been PROVEN that you can only tell a woman to do something twice.........

Research has proven that.....after the second telling, both eyes are already black
Running for cover now

A Lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.



You know you're going to send this one on.

_________________
AUSTRALIA 2013 EXHIBITION - 10 to 15 MAY 2013 - http://www.australia2013.com

_________________
AUSTRALIA 2013 EXHIBITION - 10 to 15 MAY 2013 - http://www.australia2013.com

My One day of employment



After landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter-a goodfind for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.




As I had been instructed, I said,pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Bunnings."

I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins... The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone (This Word Auto Censored by Board software!) you twice !.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings"

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

_________________
AUSTRALIA 2013 EXHIBITION - 10 to 15 MAY 2013 - http://www.australia2013.com

For those of us who have a little problem with our bastardised English language I offer this

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview..

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."


"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"



"It's like talking to a bloody brick wall."

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

I just read a shocking statistic today.

Crime in multistorey carparks has increased by 100%.

This is wrong on so many levels!

A husband says to his wife: "Wash your pants in Slim Fast to make your butt slimmer."

The Next morning he asks his wife, "Why is there talcum powder in my boxers?"

Wife says, "It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow."

_________________
Mike
Why do we need perforations? Scissors are cheap!

I covered my wife with Vanishing Cream. But she is still here.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected me brothers a bit though."

President Obama and Queen Elizabeth II

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.

The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. 'You're in that basket.'

_________________
With Best Regards,

George

A Scottish couple were planning their honeymoon in 1925. They decided to go on a tour of Canada to visit their relatives and see the sights. During the tour they visited an Indian reservation.

In the middle of the reservation there was a teepee with a sign advertising a memory man. The sign read “The amazing memory man knows everything and forgets nothing”. The Scotsman decides to try this out and steps inside.

He greets the young brave “How”.

The brave points to a jar full of $20 bills and says “If you ask me a question I can’t answer you get the jar. If I answer it you put $20 in the jar”.

The Scotsman figures he can beat him and asks “Who won the Scottish FA cup in 1878?”

The Indian thinks for a minute and says “Vale of Leven beat Third Lanark 1-0″. The Scotsman is truly amazed at this correct answer and pops his 20 bucks in the jar. The couple return to Scotland and live a full and happy life for 50 years.

For their golden wedding celebrations they decide to retrace their tour of Canada. After visiting their relatives they once again end up at the reservation. They are amazed to see that the teepee of the memory man is still there.

“Wonder if he will remember me?” says the Scotsman.

So he goes into the teepee and says “How”.

The Indian replies “Penalty in the 52nd minute”

_________________
With Best Regards,

George

A termite enters a bar, heads straight for the counter and hollers
"where's the bar tender?"

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

An electrician, an engineer and a physicist were exploring a strange land when the electrician pointed at a blue cow in the distance: "Look", he exclaimed, "there are blue cows in this strange land!"

"Until we find another blue cow," said the engineer, "all we can say is that there's ONE blue cow in this strange land".

"Actually", said the physicist,"based on evidence before us, all we can say with certainty is there is at least half a blue cow in this strange land."

Moderators may choose to remove this posting!!

I do not know if this is true or if the pic has been photo-shopped

British Air Force - Farewell Message

The email to me read:-

"Look at this carefully...it is a brilliant example of British Humour!

The British government has scrapped the Harrier fleet and, on their farewell formation fly past over the Houses of Parliament, they gave the government a message.

Lean back a bit from your computer monitor and squint.

My hat is off to the man that was leading this Squadron."

The drill sergeant lines up his platoon and gets nose to nose with Private Smith and yells "Smith, I didn't see you at camouflage practice yesterday" and Smith says "Sir Thank You Sir".

Boom Tish........good evening friends.........

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said .... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."

The Holidays are upon us, and while we all should know better, it bears
repeating – think before you get behind the wheel. Some of us have been
known to have brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd
social session over the years, and I’m no exception.

A couple of nights ago I was out for a couple of drinks with friends and had
a few whiskeys as well as three or four beers, before rounding it off with
some rather nice wine. Then, knowing full well I may have been slightly
over the limit, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was something of a
surprise, since I had never driven a bus before.

Dear Santa,
How are you ? How is Mrs. Claus ? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the
elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box
360 with Call of Duty 5 and an iPhone 5 for Christmas.
I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones.
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting - Santa wouldn't want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus.
* *

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract set by you I
might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me
what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season
into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight
coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite ?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones.
* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind
you that your Christmas list is a request - and in no way is it a guarantee of
services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your
right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever
since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy
to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will
not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and
potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the
Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus.
* *

Now look here, Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be
polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you
just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be
waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone,
and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN !!
T-Bone.
* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously ??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wanna-be ? "He sees
you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake." Sound familiar,
genius ? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
(This Word Auto Censored by Board software!) wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that,
if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all
over the carpet of your Mum's basement. You're not getting what you asked
for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're ass
and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy.
* *

Timmy,
That's what I thought, you little bastard !!
Santa.

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

Roger Federer and the Swiss flag

Subject: The Sheer Nightgown.

A husband desperately in need of some brownie points walks into 'Victoria's Secret' to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price --
the more sheer, the higher the price.

Gobsmacked at the prices, but figuring that it was worth it to get back into the good books, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model
it for him.


Upstairs the wife thinks "Hmmm - you low down rotten crawling son of a #*%(at)#,
I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing."

"I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and
keep the £500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.



The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'



He never heard the shot.


Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

_________________
Ken

One day in a forest a bear was taking a s**t.

As he was finishing a rabbit came running along. The bear asks the rabbit, "don't you hate it when s**t sticks to your fur? to which the rabbit replied "Naa, its not that bad"

The bear then grabs the rabbit and rubs his a** with it.

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.

She asked, 'Do you have Viagra?'

'Yes,' he answered.

She asked, 'Does it work?'

'Yes,' he answered.

'Can you get it over the counter?' she asked.

'I can if I take two,' he said.

A man, unannounced, takes his buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams at him ...

"I've haven't done my hair,

haven't done my make up,

have not done any housework,

haven't done the dishes

and can't be bothered with cooking!

Why did you invite him to dinner?"

"Cause he was thinking about getting married!"

Funeral Expenses


Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia, goes on a State visit to Israel. While she is on a tour of Jerusalem,she has a fatal heart attack.

The undertakers tells the OZ diplomats: "You can have her shipped home for $1 million or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $1000."

The OZ diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Gillard flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get her home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $1000?"

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply can't take that risk".

_________________
Ken

HOW TO INSTALL AN AUSTRALIAN SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 11-13 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of 'Guns & Ammo' Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Blue,
We've gone for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the postman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

P.S. If the cops come, just tell them to wait - we won't be long.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cheers

_________________
Ken