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Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

A few humorous things are below, moved from another more general jokes thread.

Most of this board is pretty much "PG" rated and is somewhere folks would be happy to peruse along with any youngsters keen on stamps, and we'd certainly encourage that.

THIS thread and similarly headed Funny Photos Thread have this preamble. The vast majority of readers here are adult and many like to have a chuckle at a slightly risqué photo or joke, and we are pleased to allow that to still occur.

I guess a good rule of thumb is a joke you would be happy to tell around a dinner table in mixed company with social friends is perfectly fine for here.

Jokes you might tell at 11pm at an Irish pub with 4 mates, after drinking 10 Guinness might be worth thinking twice about before pressing the submit button.

Enjoy.

_________________
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Click HERE to see superb, RARE and unusual stamps, at FIXED low nett prices, high rez photos, and NO buyer fees etc!

why do men have a hole in the end of their penis?

to keep an open mind.

_________________
Happiness is a journey, NOT a destination.

OK. I gotta tell this one then.

Why are turds tapered?

So your asshole don't slam shut!

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ne obliviscaris (clan campbell motto); charlie campbell, Ishkagua Jaylee, Tearlach

How do ya teach a blonde maths ?

Add a bed
Subtract her knickers
Divide her legs
Enter the square root
Leave the solution
And hope she doesn't Multiply

What has 80 Balls & Screws Little Old Ladies?

A lady approaches a priest and says to him, "Father I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing".

'What do they say?" the priest inquired"

'They only know how to say . Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest, "but I have a solution to your problem, bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male parrots who I have taught to pray and read the bible"

"My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship instead."

"Thank you" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The woman put her two female parrots in with the two male parrots and the females immediately said "Hi, we're prostitutes, D'ya wanna have some fun?"

"One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims "Put the f*** ing beads down Frank, our prayers have been answered!!"

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish priest: "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?" A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the mens' eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks: "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes"....

Reminds me of the two lady golfers out on the course early one morning....on the 15th fairway a streaker jumps out of the bushes and races past them.
One says to the other, " Wasn't that Dick Green?"
The other responds, "No dear, it ws just the reflection off the grass".


Told to me by my dear late mother when she was 88

This could equally be posted on the Ebay thread.

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,but she belonged to someone else...


One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.


Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "


She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."


So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"



Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

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KGV tragic

The Elephant says to the Camel
" Why are your boobs on your back ? "

Camel replies
"Thats a good one coming from someone with their c@ck on their face "

The Frozen Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

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KGV tragic

The Pickled Penis

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a Gypsy and told her her problem.

The Gypsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickled penis my vagina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLED PENIS MY ASS"

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the
devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool
Of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and
Over.
Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
Don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
Sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
Hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
Agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
Naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked
In spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
Does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!

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KGV tragic

Voted best joke in Ireland 2006


A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
And my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a
Bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the
Teacher.

"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next
Door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says
It will take the contagious."

_________________
Happiness is a journey, NOT a destination.

I prefer Toby Maguire

oops puter went weird so spidey was me also ok (not literally thank god)

_________________
Happiness is a journey, NOT a destination.

Makes you wonder what she was thinking

_________________
Happiness is a journey, NOT a destination.

Here's a link to a good ole Aussie comedy short film...

WELL WORTH A VISIT


http://www.cane-toad.com/movie.php

Yes BOB I agree this is one of the best Australian Filums of recent years... I understand it has received several nominations for the Canes Filum Festival ...
If you're a follower of the yartz - don't miss this epic... !

Well worth a look folks !

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Cheers for now

MOODS OF MEN AND WOMEN

_________________
Cheers for now

This is MUCH better (although they are wearing far too much)

_________________
Cheers for now

I was going to use this in the Food Association Thread but thought better of it ...

Funny how different spelling
has different meanings in different languages.

*sniggers* and quietly exits this thread

Haven't laughed so much for days than over that one.

_________________
.
Click HERE to see superb, RARE and unusual stamps, at FIXED low nett prices, high rez photos, and NO buyer fees etc!

There was a time
when ya got Fries with ya Pizza

But now days
It's straight to the 'afters'

Do They Deliver ????

No.......Drive by Pick Ups Only

Farmhand calls Boss
"I just ran over a pig, it's still alive, stuck in the bullbars"
Boss says
Aw you'll have to shoot it mate"
Farmhand says
"Ok, but what will I do with the Radar ? "

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking over at this other man, for he seemed somewhat familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is! It's Jesus!"

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey, you!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.

"Yes, I am Jesus," he replies.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass to the men, smiles a thank you and drinks up.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me, Sir, but would you be Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and replies, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Englishman then beckons to the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?"

Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Australian is mightily impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of ice cold VB for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus rises from his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years has disappeared. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove", he exclaims," that migraine that's plagued me for over 40 years has vanished completely. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then turns to the Australian whose face shows sheer, unadulterated terror."

"Oi! Bugger off, mate. I'm on Compo!!"

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do d-ck.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper spray will do that to you .

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh-t..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

sh-tnoidavailable wrote:-

Quote:

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: What's pink and hard?






A: A pig with a flick-knife

Ooooh, you NAUGHTY boys and girls - I know JUST what you were thinking!!!

I was nervous at first
It was big and long and went straight up
I eased myself onto it
I liked it
I went up and down
Now I Luv Escalators.

2 bikies are in a bar having a drink together.

Bikie no1 turns to his mate and asks, "So hows married life?"

"Oh, it's great", says bikie no2,

"I don't have to wait in line anymore."

_________________
Happiness is a journey, NOT a destination.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.

_________________
KGV tragic

New Words for 2007


* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
Project failed, and who was responsible.

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.The fine art of whacking the cra p out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

* GOING FOR A McSH!T.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,
your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known
as a McShi t with Lies.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').


* GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.


* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.


* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.



* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.


* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am.


* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.


* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
Got 4 buttocks.

Typical blondes ... not good at numbers at all, are they.