Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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BigSaint
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did manage to communicate with her husband with gestures mostly. The real problem arose whenever she had to go grocery shopping.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request. So in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to tell the butcher. So she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store . . .

. . .

. . .

. . .


. . . now get your head out of the gutter. Her husband speaks English.
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Post by BigSaint »

A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did manage to communicate with her husband with gestures mostly. The real problem arose whenever she had to go grocery shopping.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request. So in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to tell the butcher. So she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store . . .

. . .

. . .

. . .


. . . now get your head out of the gutter. Her husband speaks English.
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The Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship: “Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And with valiant strength, they defeat the pirates. A few days later, the lookout yells again: “Captain! Captain! TWO pirate vessels in sight!”

With the same stern look on his face, the captain declares solemnly: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And like the first time, they manage to defeat the pirates and stay intact.

One of the ship’s members is very intrigued and asks the captain why he wants his red blouse every time.

“That way, if the pirates hurt me they will not be able to tell I’m bleeding.”

All of the ship stands in awe of the amazing strategy the captain has.

A week later, the lookout yells again: “Captain!Captain! TEN pirate vessels in sight!”

All of the crew of the ship are waiting for the captain to say his famous words. Finally, he declares: “Go fetch me my brown pants!”
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Bob and Joe take the train to Pittsburg together every morning

Today when Bob arrived at the station, he was all flustered. Joe asked him what the matter was. Bob said “when I bought our tickets for the train, the cashier was very attractive and her blouse undone at the top. Instead of saying can I get two tickets to Pittsburg, I accidentally said can I get two pickets to Tits-burg!”

Joe said, “you think that’s bad, this morning when I was eating breakfast with my wife I asked her to pass the syrup. Instead of saying please pass the syrup I accidentally said you ruined my life you bloody bitch!”
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My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year...

...and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
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SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY, a woman called her husband's lifelong golfing buddy.

"What's the matter ?" asked the friend.

"It's Sam," she said. "I don't know where I went wrong."

"What do you mean ?"

"I was cleaning out Sam's closet," the wife explained, "and I found several boxes with miniskirt blouses and pantyhose in them."

"So?"
"But they aren't mine- and when I asked Sam about them, he told me they were his."

"There's nothing to get upset about," the friend assured her. "Everybody knows that Sam will do any thing to tee off from the ladies' tee."
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Judy came home from shopping and met her 19 year old granddaughter Tae walking out of the shared apartment.

Tae was wearing a sleek black top through which her nipples were easily seen against the threads. In shock, Judy said "Granddaughter! I cannot allow you to go out of this house in such apparel! Your goods are showing way too much!"

To which Tae replied, "Loosen up, Grams. This isn't the 70s, 80s, or 90s. You've got to let your rosebuds show." With those words, the girl continues out the door to the look of consternation on her grandmother's face.

A few weeks later, Tae is hosting a friend's birthday and is preparing the main room of the apartment for the festivities when suddenly her grandmother appears around the corner wearing a pearl necklace and short skirt, but no blouse or bra.

Aghast, Tae says, "Grams! What is the meaning of this? You can't be seen like this! I've got friends coming over."

Her grandmother simply smiles and says "Take a chill pill. If you can show your rosebuds, I can show my hanging baskets."
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My secretary reminds me of my wife.

I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."
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A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and
decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell
her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem."

After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex
for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on
his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going
to tell his wife?

He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and
happy dog. Inspired, he fell to the floor and pretended to
fight off the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living
room and exclaimed," Honey! Look at what the dog did to my
neck!"

His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's
nothing, look at what he did to my tits!"
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Post by BigSaint »

11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse/shirt.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that - with a little help from Muzak - you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair.
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A young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot

The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real smart-ass, with a vulgar vocabulary and a rude temperament.

The woman says that's OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyway.

So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her slacks off the parrot says: "AWK... NICE LEGS BABY!" Well the the woman isn't gonna take this, so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts it in the freezer for 3 minutes.

While the parrots in the freezer, he becomes real sure that this was the wrong thing to say, and is making a large mental note about saying that again.

The next night, again the woman is getting ready for bed this time the parrot KNOWS not to say any thing about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra... the parrot just can't resist any longer. He blurts out "AWK... GREAT TITS BABY LETS SEE YA SHAKE EM!".

This once again gets the woman pissed-off and she decides that instead of 3 minutes in the freezer, she is going to keep the parrot in for 5 minutes.

Well the parrot has had *lots* of time to think this time, and remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger so that the adrenaline will allow him to continue to live.

FINALLY the woman opens the freezer door, takes out the near frozen parrot and asks... "Well, have you learned your lesson?"

The parrot still shivering and barely able to speak says... "AWK... YEAH YEAH SURE SURE, BUT I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION....."

The woman says... "Yes?"

The parrot says "AWK... WHAT DID THE FROZEN TURKEY say?"
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The young woman who was boarding at the farmhouse expressed to the farmer her anxiety at the savage way in which the cow regarded her.

“It must be on account of that red blouse you’ve got on, miss,” answered the farmer.

“Dear me!” exclaimed the girl. “Of course, it’s out of fashion; but I had no idea a country cow would notice it.”
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I was riding my motorcycle down a serpentine in Switzerland

When I entered a small forest in the valley a deer showed up in the middle of the road, and in spite of all of my maneuvering I crashed in to it and flew into a ditch going along the road and passed out. When I woke up and climbed up back to the road i saw a beautiful old cabriolet with a hot brunette sitting in it in a blouse. “According to the size of her tits, I’m probably in Paradise” I thought.

- Are you alright? It looks like you have a couple of bad scratches. I can get you to my place so I can clean and bandage them up.

- Oh thanks, I’m alright. And my wife will probably be against.

- I also have very good painkillers, I think you might want to have some.

After a few seconds of hesitating, I jumped into her car saying to myself “my wife definitely will not like this” and we took of. When we’ve got to her place, and she finished the bandaging, I immediately stood up and headed to the exit

- I’m very thankful, but I should leave now, otherwise my wife will kill me

- Don’t be so silly she said, you should stay for a little longer

When I turned around to say my finale goodbye, she was already half naked, exposing probably the best tits in the world !!!

- I would have liked to, but my wife will definitely kill me !

- What is wrong with you ? I mean, where is your wife right now so you are so scared of her ?!?

- I don’t know, probably still in that ditch with my motorcycle
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Norwegian Virgin

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.”

The doctor told him” “Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.” He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .

That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: “Olof...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”

Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: “Look at dis Lena .....still in DA CRATE!”
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Sheila and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Sheila went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Sheila to stand and unbutton her blouse, he embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, nuzzled her nipples till they stood erect and kissed her passionately as her husband Barry watched with a raised eyebrow. Her face was deeply flushed and she panted softly. Sheila shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to Barry and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Barry thought for a moment and replied; "Well, I can drop her off here Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.' Can you pick her up?"
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A young woman is attempting to convince her professor to give her another chance

" I'll do anything you want!" the student exclaimed.

"Anything I want?" the professor asked.

"Yes, *anything*.". the student said in a low, seductive voice as she undid the top buttons on her blouse.

"Well, alright then! Are you free this weekend?" the professor asked.
<br>"Yes, I am!" the student said, delighted.

"Good! I want you to study hard this weekend. Test is on Monday, good luck!"
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Post by bazza4338 »

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Biden was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Biden: "Oh no! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship condoms in from Mexico."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about Canada?"

Biden: "Alright, I'll call Justin and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches wide. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Biden ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches wide, exactly as requested... All colored with red maple leaves and in small writing saying: ‘Made In Canada / Size: Small.’

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.

The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"

The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no bloody Frenchman!"
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Where is the worst place to hide if you are having a game of hide and seek in a hospital ?

The ICU
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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me anything.”
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
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Post by BigSaint »

I got kicked out of a hospital after saying to a Covid-19 patient..

Stay positive
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Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a *spinster* sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, " Nuns are not spinsters*!

*Nuns are married to God*.."

The patient replied, "Perfect...

Send the bill to my *brother-in-law*"
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The Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your Majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
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Two women go to a hospital for tests.

One of them is worried she might be pregnant, and the other one has the sniffles. They get tested, but their results get switched. The woman with the sniffles receives the result saying that she's pregnant.

"Dammit!!" she exclaims, "You can't even trust vegetables anymore!"
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

There is this dude who's in a lift going down from the fifth floor of a hospital

When the lift reaches third floor it stops and a woman he knows gets in.

He goes like "Hey Meg what you doing in the hospital?"

Meg "oh!! hi Carl I just come to sell some blood, they pay you here you know? 50 pounds each time I come! But tell me about you is all okay??"

Carl " Yeah yeah all good no worries, in fact I'm here to sell too, my sperm tho, they give you 500 pounds per wank isn't that great?"

By then the lift has arrived the exit floor and they part ways.

A week after Carl is back in the hospital for his weekly wank, gets in the lift presses his floor and last second Meg stops the doors and get in.

He looks at her and says "oh hi Megan third floor right?"

Megan with both cheeks full mumbles "hmmmm eh fif uan!!!"
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Moshe wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

Moshe groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

Moshe perks up. So, the doctor says, "You and your wife must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

Moshe agrees to talk it over with his wife Zelda. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every conventional method to get her out of it and everything has failed. There is an alt. . . never mind.

Husband: What is it? Let's try whatever we can!

Doc: Well, I did read in some research papers that sometimes, um, oral sex can wake patients in comas, but it's only been studied a little and there is no way the hospital will let us try it.

Husband: I'll try anything! Please just let me try it and if it doesn't work, we can talk about pulling the plug.

Doc: Alright, I'm not supposed to do this, but I will leave you two alone for a few minutes and be back to check on you. Hit the red button if you need anything.

The husband enters the hospital room and begins the "treatment". After only a couple minutes, all the monitor alarms are going off and the husband calls for help. The doctors and nurses rush in to treat the woman, but it's too late.

Doc: I'm sorry, we lost her. I have no idea why she took a turn for the worse so quickly. I've read only good things about that treatment.

Husband: I am going to miss her badly. We tried everything we could to help her. My guess is that she choked.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Two pregnant women are in the hospital waiting to be induced.

One woman says to the other: "For our first child, my husband bought us a brand new car!"

The other woman says: "That's nice."

The first woman says: "For our second child, my husband bought us a new house!"

The other woman again says: "That's nice"

The first woman looking irritated says: "Well what did YOUR husband get you?"

She says: "My husband got me into anger management classes. I used to say "Get Stuffed", now I just say "That's nice".
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by RogerE »

Who's Who?

"...we don't really know which one who's."

Whose responsibility and who's to blame?
.
GB PHQ card, tardy tardis in corner
GB PHQ card, tardy tardis in corner
.
/RogerE ;)

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by ViccyVFU »

(Haven't seen this one, or a variant, in the last couple of pages .... :D )


"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."


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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.

The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Woman talking to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're an arsehole.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

How did the computer hacker escape the police?

He just ransomeware....
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The toilet was stolen from the police station.

The cops have nothing to go on.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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An elderly woman phoned the police and said she saw her neighbour, naked walking around his bedroom with blinds open.

Police turn up and says to her, sorry madam, but you cannot even see his bedroom, there is a fence and a bush blocking the view.

She replies, you can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.
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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and a passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down."
You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nodded his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey nods his head, "Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey nods his head, "Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey nods his head, "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked?"
The monkey nods his head, "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"

"...Driving..." motioned the monkey.
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Post by BigSaint »

Someone stole all the pencils at the police station

Detectives have no leads.
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Post by BigSaint »

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled,

“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?”

She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!
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Post by BigSaint »

Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field.

The steaks has never been higher.
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A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door.

The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes, I am."

The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man answers, "Sure, hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."

The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality."
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him

He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.

Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.

If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding.
I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir"
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Post by BigSaint »

Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early?

To beat the crowd
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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?

Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?

Suspect : Well that asshole ran towards the other 10.
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Post by BigSaint »

Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police?

Drinking and deriving
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A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man.

"When do we start?!"
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A woman reports her husband’s disappearance to the police. They ask her for a description, and she says, “He’s six feet, three inches tall, well-built, with thick, curly hair.”

Her friend says, “What are you talking about? Your husband is five-feet-four, bald, and has a huge belly.”

And she says, “Who wants that one back?”
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What do you call someone who got fired from the East German secret police for substance abuse ?

An Ex-Stasi
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I paid a guy £10,000 to smash into my ex's bumper. After it was done, I watched her converse with police office, clearly upset.

I don't know why she was sad, though.

She's always liked being hit from behind by random men.
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Mounted police unit got two new horses

Policemen assigned to them are unsure how they'll be able to tell them apart and as such which policeman gets to ride which horse. They debate various ways to distinguish them but none are satisfactory. Then one realizes they can simply cut off the tail on one and voila! a distinguishing mark. So they do that and later that day their chief sees the result. Naturally he flips out and wants to know the reason. Our two heroes explain their idea, which makes chief even angrier. "You two are such morons. Are you that blind that you can't see the black one is a hand taller than the grey one?"
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