Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Discussion of anything you like. Sport, stamps, politics, religion, weather, world disasters, news articles - whatever. Things generally NOT stamp related belong in here. Please keep it CIVIL and polite though! We encourage lively discussion on all things.

Moderators: gmoney, Volunteer Moderator Team

Post Reply
User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night

Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."

Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."

Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."

Bird 2: "I guess.."

*So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 sees his pal flying back with a juicy beakful of blood.*

Bird 2: "Wow! Where did you find a feast like that?"

Bird 1: "See that tree over there?"

Bird 2: "Yeah"

Bird 1: "Well, I didn't."
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »


What kind of ice cream goes in a bird bath?

Bask’n Robins
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Have you heard of that new bird disease?

Corvid-19?
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Or is it Crovid 19!
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Why do birds make bad basketball players?

They're always committing fowls.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Where do antarctic birds spend their nights?

In pengu-inns
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Today I saw an old man feeding the birds.

He must have been dead three hours at least.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the theater”.

So, he’s is sitting in his truck, stroking his duck, trying to think, and has an idea!

He hides his duck down the bib of his overalls and goes and buys a ticket and sits down next to these two town girls with his duck hidden in his pants, and starts watching the movie.

A few minutes later, one of the townie girls nudges the other, and says, “this guys got his penis out”.

Her friend says “ignore him, you seen one, you’ve seen ’em all”.

The first girl replies, “not like this one, it’s eating my popcorn”.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

The white-throated dipper is the national bird of Norway, the mute swan is Denmark's, and the blackbird is Sweden's,

these are the Scandinavians.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

For Sale: Dead Bird

Won't go cheep
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

How many birds can you fit under a Scotsmans kilt?

Depends how big the perch is.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Why shouldn't you get the national bird of the USA sick?

Because it'll be an ill eagle action.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

There’s no such thing as a virgin bird.

They’ve all been laid at least once.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

My friend has just fed German sausage to a bird.

He’s taken a tern for the wurst.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Is that a bird, is that a plain

It’s a joke going over people’s heads
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A man loses his hat and decides the easiest way to get another one is to steal it.

He goes to the church cloakroom to get a hat. A sermon about the Ten Commandments was going on. The man pauses to listen and then changes his mind. On nearing the exit, he runs into the pastor.

He says, "I came here with sin in my heart. I must say, you saved me from crime."

The pastor replies, "That's nice to hear. What sin were you about to commit?"

The man replies, "I came here to steal a hat, but your sermon made me change my mind."

The priest says, "May I know what part of my sermon made you see the error of your ways?"

The man replies, "When you reached the 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' part, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat."
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom?

Angus McCoatup
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Twenty years ago my mother almost aborted my brother. Yesterday he died in a fight with a cloakroom attendant.

The coathanger still got him in the end.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

I went to a Superman themed nightclub.

Everyone looked really fly...

but there was a massive queue for the cloakroom.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Olympian

An old man goes up to a prostitute. He says “how much do you charge?”.

She says “€150”.

He replies “I’ve got no money, all I have is these two Olympic gold medals I won in the 60’s”.

She says “that’ll do”, takes the medals and off they go to take care of business.

Next evening another old man approaches, “how much do you charge?” he asks.

“€200” she says. “Are you any good?” he then asks.

“Well I’ve two Olympic gold medals" she replies
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Did you hear about that massive chunk of gold?

It’s au-fully heavy.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

John, Paul and Frank go to heaven .

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on Earth. And there are really no rules. On you go, enjoy paradise!"

As the three men went on, St. Peter stopped them again and said: "Oh, I did forget one thing. While it's not forbidden, it's rather important not to step on the white doves. Just watch your step around the fountains"

The three men looked each other confused, but didn't think much of it. So they made their way to their houses. And it was true what St. Peter said, it was truly amazing. The best wine and the best food, and the villas were made of the purest marble and the halls were decorated in gold and glamor.

A few centuries had passed, and the three men had befriended each other. While John and Frank were on a walk, they wondered where Paul was. Paul hasn't been around the last few days and they got a bit worried. But, as they were discussing where Paul might be, they suddenly saw two people approach them. As they came closer they saw Paul. And next to him was a vile creature who looked like an old and disgusting witch, who appeared to be following Paul. From the distance they heard the voice of this witch, and it was so awful that both immediately had a migrane when they heard it. They walked towards Paul and realized he had dark rings underneath his eyes and he had filled his ears with cotton, but evidently to no avail. John and Frank went to Paul and asked him what had happened. Paul said "I can't stand this no longer. Oh it's horrible, for days this witch has been tormenting me. And all I did was step on a white dove by the fountain, oh I would rather go to hell than have her for another day"

John and Frank gulped. "Better watch out for these doves" they said to each other.

A century went by and Paul and Frank were walking together. The witch had vanished after a week Paul stepped on the dove, and both pretty much forgot what happened. They were wondering where John was, they didn't see him the last few days. They decided to go by his house, when they heard a scream. They turned and saw John running towards them. Following him were dozens of small demons with small pitchforks, poking him as he ran. Paul and Frank ran with him, horrified and asked him what happened. "The doves! The doves! I stepped on one, oh they've been chasing me for almost a week!" and John ran off into the distance, with the demons following him.

Paul and Frank gulped and remembered what happened to Paul. "Better watch out for these doves" they said to each other.

A century went by and again, the demons vanished exactly one week after John stepped on a dove. John and Paul were walking with each other and were talking about Frank. They haven't seen him for a few days, and were worried. They decided to walk by the fountain to look for him, when suddenly they heard Frank call out to them. They turned, and their jaws dropped immediately. Standing next to Frank was a beautiful, magnificent angel. Her hair was blonde and reached down her beautiful breasts to her perfectly shaped buttocks. Her waist was slim and her face was glowing, that's how beautiful she was. Frank was obviously in love, he held her hand and told her how beautiful she is, and how much he loved her, kissing her over and over. Bewildered, John and Paul went over to Frank and the beautiful woman and asked: "What happened? How did you get *that*?"

The angel looked at them in agony and said "oh poor me, I stepped on a white dove!"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Cat parents are basically failed gold miners…

All they do is dig up poop….
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how big the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.

Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and every one.........

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on

account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She

moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had

him arrested.


When the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked

why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't

help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read

"Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read

"Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat

under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick".

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she

sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented

this accident."

He won the case.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

August without gust is...

Gold
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Barry worked in a gold mine

He was ready to leave his gold mining days behind, as his retirement was coming up in a couple of months.

One day, he was leaving work, pushing a wheelbarrow that had a box in it.

The guard noticed the box, and suspiciously asked, "Hey, Barry. What's in the box?"

"Nothing", murmured Barry, as if he was hiding something.

Unconvinced, the guard took the box and opened it, only to find Barry was actually telling the truth. "Well, what do you know!", chuckled the guard, surprised to see the box was empty.

Same thing happened the next day. This went on for weeks, until the day of Barry's retirement.

"Look, Barry. I know you're up to something, but I just can't point my finger on what it is.", the guard sighed. "Just be honest with me, and I promise I won't say a word. Are you stealing anything?"

Barry looks around, leans in close, and says "Wheelbarrows!"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

So this Dwarf, Elf and Thief go out on adventure - the Elf armed with a great bow, the Dwarf with a warhammer and the thief with an empty sack "for all the gold we'll find!" They travel for days and days until they approach the entrance to a dangerous and dark dungeon. Bu they see that another party of adventurers is about to go in before them. "Hurry! They'll get all the gold!" says the thief.

But the Elf says "No, wait - they will spring all the booby traps and leave the way open for us!" The three adventurers watch as the other group starts to go inside, and an argument ensues among the other group. Soon it is clear that they have left one of their members behind at the door - and some other figures appear out of the shadows and join her!

The trio draws nearer, and find all of the group outside the door are women. Dozens of them! The trio comes closer, and ask the one who was left "What is your name?"

The woman says "I am one called Hopewella, but many just call me Hope."

Another woman chimes in "My name is Hope also!" More speak up "And mine too!"

Curious at this, the Elf looks up at an inscription above the dungeon door, which reads "Abandon Hope, all ye who enter here!"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing classical music. The champagne was flowing freely.


The Russian walked up to a senator and asked, "This is amazing, how are you able to afford such a party?" The senator smiled and said, "I'm glad you asked. Here, look out this window. You see that bridge out there in the distance?" The Russian nods. "Well, that bridge cost $100 million dollars to build. Of course, we tell the taxpayers that it costs $200 million and skim a little for ourselves"


The Russian's eyes widen. "That's brilliant. I'll be sure to tell my fellow comrades in the government when I get back home."


Several months later, the US senator is in Moscow. The Russian diplomat hears about this and decides to throw his own dinner party. When the senator arrives, he is absolutely amazed. The walls are lined in marble and gold. Lobster and caviar are being served to everyone. An entire symphony is playing. Everything is perfect. It makes the previous party look poor in comparison.


The senator walks up to the Russian diplomat and says, "my god man, I thought you were having money issues over here. How can you afford such a party? It's truly spectacular!"


The diplomat smiles and says, "I'm glad you asked. Look out the window. Do you see that bridge out there in the distance?" The senator squints his eyes and finally says, "No. I can't see any bridge." The Russian smiles even broader "Exactly!"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

I feel bad for whoever took the silver in fencing.

Their dreams of gold were foiled.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Somalia swept the Olympic sailing podium.

They earned gold, silver, and bronze despite starting the event with one entry
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

If James T. Kirk ran a drug business from his ship...

Would it be a criminal Enterprise?
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

James takes his date to the prom

They get to the building, and there's a long line to get in


They go to take pictures, and there a long line for pictures


They go to get flowers, and there's another long line for flowers.


James is fed up with all the lines, so he goes for some punch, and finds that there is no punchline
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Math Teacher: James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?

James: A Headache ma'am.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?

''Dong, Ding Dong''
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed?\

Because it would blow his cover
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'

The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag...
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What do you call it when James Bond crashes the US Stock market?

A SPYfall.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What is James Bond’s favorite pasta…?

Mini Penne
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Jesse James was robbing a passenger train.

He takes up all the money and says "I'm robbing this train. I'm gonna screw all the men."

This lady got up and said "Mister Jesse James, you mean all the women!"

And there's this punk on there and he got up and said "Hey lady, who's robbin' this train, you or Mister Jesse James?"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

So Abraham Lincoln and James Booth walk into a bar.

Booth (a mathematician) tells Lincoln, we’ve been coming here to speed date for 5 years now and only picked up an average of 2.857 lady friends. Lincoln thinks for a moment and replies, well, at that pace, we will have four scores in seven years....
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A Russian army officer was fired after having sex with James Bond during a mission.

It was a dishonorable discharge.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Poor Dyslexic James

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wrong.

James loved music, and his enthusiasm for his favorite bands was infectious. As he grew up, he learned that he could talk people into giving his favorite bands a try. And he decided that maybe he could be a successful manager for pop groups. He approached some of his favorite unsigned artists with a business offer. He’d tell them that if they made him their manager, he’d take them to the very top of the Billboard charts. At first it worked.

See, James could get his bands all the airtime they’d ever wanted. With his management, they built a name and a fan base. But then things would start going wrong. James couldn’t read a contract, and he wouldn’t admit it. But the record companies figured him out. So in no time, each of his bands would sign a bum deal with some record company. They’d figure this out and want to know why he let them do it. He’d apologize and promise that he’d surely make them the biggest band in the world if they stayed with him long enough. But eventually, they all did the same thing – they’d have James sign his rights away in a contract that he couldn’t read.

James grew bitter and paranoid over the years.

Finally, James met one band that was different. They really liked James and believed in his management. Sure, they got screwed by the record companies, but they never wanted another manager. And as they stayed with James, they got more and more popular. What he told them was right. They became the most popular band in the world.

The only problem was that James had long lost his faith in others. He realized that once his band was at the top of the charts, there was nothing else he could promise them. He was sure they would get rid of him and find a manager who could get them more money. He began to drink. He grew standoffish. The band tried to reassure him, but he wouldn’t hear it. It was just a matter of time.

One night, on tour, James had way too much to drink. He let the accusations fly. The band tried to calm him, but he couldn’t be pacified. Drunk and enraged, he punched the lead singer. The bassist, a man so loyal that James had been the best man at his wedding, tried to intervene, but got a kick to the midsection. This was too much. The band turned on him and beat him mercilessly.

The next day, James awoke to a pounding headache, cracked ribs, and the realization that the biggest pop act in the world no longer wanted to work with him.

He was back at square one. Failed again. Only now, poor dyslexic James had finally learned the most important lesson of his career:

Don’t fight the band that heeds you.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

If Woody Harrelson married James Woods, he'd be Woody Woods.

And that'd make a his schlong Woody Woods' pecker.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead.

"Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.

"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Could have been worse," James replies calmly. "Could have been worse."


A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. "And how are things now?" he asks.

"Terrible!" says Harry. "Our house burned down last night."

"Could have been worse," says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.

A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. "Well, how goes it?" he inquires.

"Oh!" says Harry. "Things just get worse and worse. It's one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!"

Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: "Could've been worse."


This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. "Wait a minute!" he says. "I'm not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I've told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: 'Could have been worse.' This time, for God's sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven's name could it have been any worse?"


James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. "Could have been worse," he says. "Could have happened to me."
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 84062
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A man joins a new hunting club.

His first night at the lodge, he asks around for the guy with the best hunting stories.

“The man over there in the wheelchair is named James. He’s 90 years old and has been hunting all over the world for 70 years. He’s got some great stories”.

So the man walks over, introduces himself and asks the man for a hunting story.

“Well, I was out on the Serengeti hunting rhino. I tracked one down, and just as I raised my rifle, a huge lion jumped out of the brush next to me and bellowed a loud ROAAAAAAARRRRR!!! And I just pooped myself!!!”.

The young man said, “Well, I would have been so scared, I would’ve pooped myself, too!!”.

“No, not then, just now when I yelled ROOAAAAARRRR!!!”.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

Post Reply

Return to “'The Water Cooler' - A relaxing and FUN place to let off some steam ......”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: towradji and 1 guest