Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Discussion of anything you like. Sport, stamps, politics, religion, weather, world disasters, news articles - whatever. Things generally NOT stamp related belong in here. Please keep it CIVIL and polite though! We encourage lively discussion on all things.

Moderators: gmoney, Volunteer Moderator Team

Post Reply
User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose.

But it’s grown on me.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

So a pimpled man goes to the doctor...

He comes in, but refuses to sit down. The nurse asks if there is anything she could help him with.

He waves her away politely, and holds his suitcase in the air, bumps the top of it and an entire stool comes folding out. He places the stool on the ground and tries to small talk with the nurse.

"What do you do for a living, Mr Tube?" The nurse inquires.

"Oh. Im unemployed right now, same as my wife."
He replies

"Oh dear. Well the doctor will see you now"

Finally after waiting to be called back, the Doctor approaches before the pimpled man stood up and the doctor hands him a prescription for laxitives. "How did you know?" Cried the pimpled man...

"Its obvious!
Your stool is compact, the tubes arent working and your pore holes are clogged!"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

When I was a teen I had so many pimples...

in the library a blind man was trying to read my face.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

The pimple on my forehead is enormous.

It practically has its own zit code.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog growing out of his head. "My god!" Says the doctor "How did that happen?"

"It all started with a pimple on my bum." replies the frog.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer and bought his dream bike with a 1200cc engine. He immediately put on his mirrored glasses, black leather gloves, white tee-shirt and jeans (I guess this was in the 70's) and started to cruise around town looking for someone to race. But it started to get dark, and as he was about to make a right turn at a traffic light and go home, a guy on a moped pulls right up next to him. The driver could not be more of a nerd - thick glasses, pimples, pant suspenders and a bow tie! Johnny thought "Well, I wanted more of a challenge, but lets see how badly I can leave this guy in the dust!"

So the light turns green and Johnny nails it! First gear.....second gear....third gear.....Johnny hit 60mph in 3 seconds flat! A smile came over Johnny's face as he thought about all the smoke the moped guy must be choking on. Then suddenly, something went flashing by him.....johnny squinted and then shock came over his face - it was the moped! Johnny was like, wait...mopeds have a governor on them so they can only do 30mph tops....WTF? So, johnny punched it down into second gear and throttled it up! He passed the moped with dazzling speed. And just as johnny was saying to himself "yeah, I showed him!", the moped passed him again at like twice the speed of Johnny! Johnny now became furious and opened it up all the way - his face looked like he was pulling 5g's as he passed the moped once again. But, sure enough, two seconds later the moped whizzes by him again, as if Johnny was standing still!!!

Well, Johnny got so upset, that he pulled over and started to kick his new bike, yelling "you piece of junk...I can't believe I spent all that money on you and you can't even beat a stupid moped!" A few seconds later the guy on the moped pulls up and says "I'm glad you finally stopped because my suspenders were caught on the back of your bike!"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

I️ had a pimple on my right butt cheek

Popping it was a real pain in the ass.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

I wanted to write a skincare joke, but it just kept getting longer and longer, with more and more steps...

So I thought I'd just keep it pimple.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What’s worse than getting two pimples?

Getting Shot
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Alcohol removes pimples and warts.

Not from me. From the people I look at.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »


What did one pimple say to another?

Hey, what up cyst-ah?
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What did the pimple say to the other pimple when she stole the first pimple's boyfriend.

Get away from him you dirty pore!
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What are those little pimples on a female areola around her nipples?

It's Braille for "Suck here!"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Do you know what your pimples do while you're asleep?

Nothing really, the just zit there.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?

Pimple cream so he won’t break out.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What do you call it when a spider gets a pimple?

Arachne
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.
It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever.


Upon entering, he sees a big poster on a noticeboard:


NERD SEASON OPENS 5 JULY


That's today, he thinks. What's this about?


He approaches the bar to get a drink and order a meal, but as he steps up, the big guy behind the bar gives him a suspicious look.


"Are you a nerd?" the bartender demands, with slitted eyes and a sneer on his lips.


"What? No, I'm a trucker!"


"You *smell* like a nerd!" insists the bartender, and his hand makes its way below the bar.


"Huh? Oh, wait! I've got a big load of computer bits on board. Maybe that's what you can smell on me!"


The bartender relaxes and smiles, and his hand returns to view. "Ah, - that would be it. Sorry mate. What'll it be?"


The trucker gets his meal and brew, and takes a seat in the corner.


As he's finishing up, the door opens, and a guy walks in. He's got thin slicked down hair, parted on the left, dandruff on his shoulders, thick glasses and a face full of pimples. He's wearing a short sleeved business shirt, with a pocket protector full of pens, pleated pants that stop well above his ankles, showing white socks below an expanse of pale skin, under black leather shoes. There is a calculator attached to his belt.


The bartender glances up, and doesn't hesitate for even a moment. Hand goes under the bar and comes out with a shotgun, and in one smooth movement he aims and fires both barrels together from the waist. The nerd goes down in a spray of body parts, Biro ink and calculator buttons.


The trucker is speechless. Wow, he thinks, - they really take their nerd season seriously around these parts. He pays and leaves quickly, somewhat unsettled.


The night wears on behind the wheel, and the trucker fights the all-too-common battle to maintain concentration on the road. An idiot in a beat-up Commodore blasts past him without enough clear road ahead and merges back early, and instead of holding his line and letting the muppet wear his bullbar, he instinctively pulls to the left and loses control in the gravel on the verge.


The truck goes over and slides into the wall near the end of a cutting, and the containers bust open and spill their contents. The driver pulls himself free, mostly unhurt, and tries to take stock of his position.


Then he hears a rustling on all sides, and as his eyes get used to the gloom, he realises that there are nerds everywhere! They're crawling out from the bushes and from behind rocks, bristling with pocket protectors and calculator holsters, rummaging through the strewn computer parts, comparing them with those that other nerds have grabbed, and bickering over the comparative specs of the various parts.


Anxious to protect what he could of his load, the trucker suddenly remembered what he saw at the steakhouse: nerd season was open! He reached into his cab and found his own rifle behind the seat. Left, right, middle. Blam! Blam! Blam! He started dropping them where they stood.


At that point, he saw approaching red and blues, and a short time later the police were all over everything.


"Hey! Police! Drop your weapon!"


The trucker was astonished. "Hey, I'm just protecting what's mine! This firearm is registered, I'm licensed, and nerd season opened today!"


"Yes," replied the OIC, " - but you're not allowed to bait them!"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

I want to stop randomly talking about acne.

But there's no pimple way to do it
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the strange tissue.

By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape. "What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?"

“We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely, "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."

"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?"

"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."

“I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"

"There's more," said the Doctor. "You're going to experience vision problems."

"Will I go blind, Doc?" asked the man.

“No, you'll just have trouble seeing with your balls hanging in front of your eyes."
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.

Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in the cafeteria he asked out the head cheerleader. He was swiftly rejected and embarrassed.

His best friend tried to help him out. "Hey bro, you can still get a date. Maybe try lowering your standards. You see that girl over there with the pimples all over her face? Try talking to her and ask her out."

He accepts the advice and strikes up a conversation with the zit faced girl. Sure enough they hit it off. His confidence builds and he decides to ask her on a date.

"Hey, I think you're pretty cool and I was wondering if you Would like to go out with me?"

Having never been asked out before, the pimple faced girl couldn't hold back her joy and excitement.

"Would I.... Would I?" She exclaimed.

The boy turns red and says "Nick off pizza face!!!"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

An Alien ship lands in the city center..

and out come two humanoid male and female aliens, who look pretty much human except they are blue in colour and have antennas where their ears should be.

They are immediately surrounded by a huge crowd, media has set up their booths and world leaders approach them to make contact.

The aliens then spoke: "We're from the galactic alliance and we're pleased to say you humans have been chosen as its latest members. In order for you to seal this deal, its required that a male and female specimen of the human race come aboard the ship and have sex with us. The male species with a female of our species and vice versa."

The audience who were cheering to the sight of this historic event, suddenly quiet down on hearing this. Then a swinger couple walks forward and accepts their offer, they go aboard the ship. The alien male takes the woman to his chamber and the alien female does the same with the man.

In the alien male's chamber, they start caressing each other then making out and soon it gets really hot. The idea of getting screwed by an alien is the ultimate swinger fantasy, she thinks and starts to unzip the male alien's spacesuit. When she undoes his spacefly, she's very disappointed. All there was is a pimple size alien penis and she refuses to go any further.

"What happened?" The alien male asks

"It's so tiny, what am I going to do with this?" she says

"Don't worry, just smack me on the back of my head"

She's stunned on hearing this, but on his insistence she smacks him on the back of his head.
Lo and behold, the penis grows an inch. He then says "smack me until you get your desired size"
She does that 7 more times and then have passionate interspecies sex.

After a few hours, the humans emerge from the spaceship. The woman has a glowing smile on her face, while the man looks all low and disappointed.

The media surrounds them and asks what was it like?

Before the woman can answer, the man says;

"their sex is weird, after foreplay we undressed each other and then she kept smacking me behind my head for a few hours after that she asked me to leave"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
bazza4338
I was online for Post Number 7 MILLION!
I was online for Post Number 7 MILLION!
Posts: 119680
Joined: 12 Dec 2009 16:50
Location: Korumburra Vic. Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by bazza4338 »

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

User avatar
bazza4338
I was online for Post Number 7 MILLION!
I was online for Post Number 7 MILLION!
Posts: 119680
Joined: 12 Dec 2009 16:50
Location: Korumburra Vic. Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by bazza4338 »

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc?

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make life easier. One night she threw herself at him and they made love. After that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple, with an above average sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him, and she noticed. "What's wrong?" Scarlett asked. "Nothing..." the guy would say.

She pestered him for a while, eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed him to try. "Really... you'll do anything I'd like?" "Sure," she said--"anything!" "Ok! First, I want you to take off your toga and get into this pair of work jeans that had washed on the shore." "Ok..." "Now, put this shirt on please, but first, tape your boobs so that they're flat." "What... ok, I'd say I'd do anything," she said lovingly. "Now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it." She was kind of confused, but non the less she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache." "Ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered. "Now, please put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach, I'll catch up to you in a bit," he said a bit excited... she started walking, wondering and doubting herself. She was confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was him? Suddenly, the guy grabs her by her shoulder, turns her around, and says:

"Man! You won't believe WHO I've been sleeping with for the past 6 months!"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A guy halts his car near a prostitutes.

"How much for a blowjob“ he asks.

"50“ she answers.

"Great, hop in“ he says.

She gets in the car, takes the $50 and gets down on him. After she‘s done, the guy says „That was so hot, here‘s another $100 just for you.“ She‘s surprised but pleased. She takes the money and gets out of the car.

The next night, the guy halts with his car near the same prostitute and asks „How much for sex?“.

"200“ she replies. He agrees, she hops in the car and they drive off to shag somewhere in a dark alley. When they‘re done, he thanks her for the great sex and gives her additional $150. Again, surprised but pleased, she leaves him and he drives off.

The next night, the dude shows up again and asks the same prostitute "How much for anal?“.

"300“ she replies. He agrees, she gets in his car and they drive to the same dark alley and get freaky. After they‘re done, he gives her additional $200.

"Why do you keep giving me that much money?“ She asks.

"Are you Mary Smith from Greenville who moved out last year to become an actress?“

"Um… yes… why?“

"Your mother says hello and sends you $1000“.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What's the difference between a hooker and an actress?

I don't think that's a very good defense Mr Weinstein!
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-

"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor. My favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros and now
My favourite singer rock star Dusty Hill.
I just wanted you to know that my favourite former president is Donald Trump.”
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

I like the way that the main actress in *Interstellar* delivered her lines

She just Hathaway with words
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

You know, I bet that actress from The Devil Wears Prada could do anything she puts her mind to.

Where Anne Hathawill,

Anne Hathaway.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

“Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who was stabbed?”

“What was her name again?? Reece something...”

“Witherspoon?”

“No, with a knife!”
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Hollywood marriages

TV interviewer: You were married four times: to a banker, to an actor, to a minister, and to an undertaker. Can you tell me why?

Legendary actress: Well, it was One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go!
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What do you call birds who stick together?

Velcrows
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Guy: I am great at indentifying birds

Friend: ok, what are those on that tree?

Guy: yes, they are all birds.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »


What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can still tweet.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

If a blue bird has blue babies
And a red bird has red babies
What bird has no babies?


Swallows
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Did you hear the pope caught bird flu?

He got it from a cardinal.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 months to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a birthday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a pair of talking birds for $500 each and explained that he had gotten his own mother a pair and that she absolutely loves them. His co-worker added that they were no ordinary talking birds, that they could impersonate actors,, they dance, and tell jokes. But it will take them a day or two to get used to the new place and wont talk until then.

So he buys the birds and has them shipped to his mother. He calls her on her birthday the following morning. Mom answers, son says "Happy birthday Mom!" She says,"Oh thank you, dear,." He asks, "So Mom, did my gift arrive?" She says, "Yes It did. And I enjoyed them very much. Thank you, son. They were delicious. I plucked the feathers and cooked them like little game hens."

" No mom. Please tell me you're kidding" he said. She assured him that she wasn't and he proceeded to tell her about the price of the birds and everything they were capable of doing.

"Wait."she said,"Those birds could talk?"

"Yes,, mom. They sang and danced and they talked. ..."

" Well then, why the hell didnt they say something?"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...'

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo poos, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set out to find the mythic bird. They sailed among the many islands of Indonesia, inquiring with the locals until at last they were pointed out to a lonely atoll far out from land. As they sailed closer, the air suddenly filled with a mournful "Foo! Foo!" and in fear they leapt into the water to avoid those fabled turds of death.

Hiding by the boat, they scanned the skies and the waters, but saw no birds, only a small pod of tropical sea lions swimming past, one of which vacated its bowels in the water as the pod swam away. The two pulled themselves aboard, covered in slimy (This Word Auto Censored by Board software!).

The first stood there thoughtfully a moment, but the second began scraping himself clean. The first sees this and shouts out, "No!" ...but it is too late: His companion drops dead on the planks of the boat. He takes his friend in his arms, weeping, and says, "How wrong we were! All along, we hunted for the mythical bird, but there are deadlier creatures in these lands, as any seal can plainly foo!"
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What do you call it when a bird moves things with it’s mind?

Pelikinesis
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Bird flu

Bird landed
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

I loved the sound a bird made this morning...

...so I re-tweeted it.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

They're vaccinating against bird flu again

Call it a rooster shot
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

The stork is the bird that brings the baby,

But a Swallow's the one to prevent it!
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What’s a drug for birds?

Quack
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Two birds are in a marathon...

They are by far in first place so rest on a bench in a park. The first bird sees some chips in car just sitting there.

Excitedly, he points it out to the second bird, "Hey there's some chips in that car!"

The second bird, worried that they might lose first place, sees the chips, but notices a tint between them and the chips, "I don't like chips, and plus, there's a chance there's a win-though."
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and swine flu you need oinkment.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

User avatar
BigSaint
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
WINNER! Stampboards Poster Of The Month
Posts: 83818
Joined: 16 Nov 2012 11:26
Location: Cheltenham, Australia

Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Me: I'm getting a gun because of my fear if birds.

Therapist: I think you might be getting carried away.

Me: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I'M NOT!!!
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

Post Reply

Return to “'The Water Cooler' - A relaxing and FUN place to let off some steam ......”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: bazza4338, Global Administrator, MarkBodiella, MarkM and 3 guests