Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.
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Post by BigSaint »

Why is England the wettest country?

Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It’s okay. He woke up.
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Post by BigSaint »

What are shark’s two most favorite words?

Man overboard!
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Post by BigSaint »

Can February march?

No, but April may.
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Where does the sheep get his hair cut?

The baa baa shop!
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Post by BigSaint »

Why are ghosts such bad liars?

Because they are easy to see through.
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Post by RogerE »

BigSaint wrote:
09 Sep 2021 09:29
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I hear he developed a complex about them, but that might be imaginary...

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What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A Labracadabrador
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A kid with a speech impediment is trick or treating on Halloween...

At his last door a nice elderly lady opens it and he says the traditional " Bick or beat!"

She replied "Oh what do we have hear what are you dressed as little boy?" He proudly replied "I'm a Birate!"

"Oh you're a Pirate!" She responds "Well where are your Buckaneers?"

He scowls at the lady and points to his head and shouts "My bucken ears are right here why don't you use your bucken eyes?!"
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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

There's never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.

Within a week's time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one. He doesn't care that he can't drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people. Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.

His last meal request is a single banana.

When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.

The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.

His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death. They ask him what he'd like for his last meal.

"A single banana," he says.

"Oh, no you don't, you son of a bitch. We're on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you're not escaping this time!" The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.

The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

"*Did you give him the banana?*" demands the head guard.

"No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn't give it to him, we swear!" says one of the guards.

Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.
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I lost 125 lbs with this one simple trick.

I broke up with my girlfriend.
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Want a surefire trick to break your nail-biting habit?

Take up plumbing
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Post by BigSaint »

My Dad was a professional magician who performed all the classic illusions. He used to practice the well-known, "Sawing a person in two" trick using us kids.

He always loved to halve his family in the act.
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Post by BigSaint »

"Cut a Man in Half" Trick

I was strolling down a street, suddenly came to a stop to see a street performer getting ready to do the "cut a man in half" act. The performer starts cutting then separates the coffin. In amazement I asked," Wow that's insane how did you do that?"

He said," A Mortician never reveals his secrets."
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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.

That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.

He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;

“What’s for dinner honey?”

No answer. He moves closer.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

Still no answer. He moves even closer.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

“FOR THE FOURTH BLOODY TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
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Post by BigSaint »

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?"

"Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"
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I was really struggling to get my wife's attention....

So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.
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Post by BigSaint »

A Guy goes to the bar in the 100th floor

He orders a Beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off. A guy sitting in the bar sees this and wants to call 911 but the Guy comes out of the elevator. The guy is a bit confused but doesn't say anything. The other orders another beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off.

He does this 5 times until the guy sitting in the bar asks the other: "How do you survive this, we're 100 stories up!"

The other replies: "See there's this trick. When you jump the alcohol slows you down before you hit the street.

The guy sitting in the bar wants to try it to so he orders a beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off. However, as he is approaching the ground, he does not slow down and dies immediately.

The Bartender says to the other: "Sometimes you really are an asshole, Superman"
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Post by BigSaint »

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"
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Post by BigSaint »

I walked past the charthouse on the tugboat and saw Larry scribbling on the map.

I'm sure he's plotting something!
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Post by BigSaint »


How did the tugboat get AIDS?

It was rear-ended by a ferry.
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If you're towing a speedboat...

...are you pulling a fast one?
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Post by BigSaint »

One day a very religious man is praying at home when suddenly a tsunami hits.

He climbs to the roof of his house to avoid the flood and starts praying to God to save him.

"Oh God, I've worshipped you all my life, I'm not ready to die. Please save me from this flood"

After a few minutes of this, a guy on a rowing boat see's the man in distress and calls out
r>"Hey! I'm looking for survivors, hop on, let's get out of here"

"No thanks" replied the religious man "I have faith that God and prayer will save me". The man on the boat leaves him to his prayers and rows off.

The religious man keeps praying for God to save him, all the while the flood waters are rising. After a few minutes the coast guard's speedboat shows up and pulls up alongside the man on the roof

"Come on" yell the coast guard's. "The flood is getting worse, we need to go now!"

"No thanks" replies the man "I have faith that God will rescue me" so the coast guard also leaves.

The water has now reached the man's feet and his prayers are getting more and more frantic. He suddenly hears an army helicopter overhead that hovers above him, sends down a rope and yells for him to climb up.

"No thanks" replies the man "all I need is my faith in God. He will rescue me". The helicopter then leaves.

A few minutes later the water has risen and the man drowns. Upon appearing at the gates of Heaven he sees God and asks him "God, have I not been faithful to you all my life? Why did you leave me to drown at my time of need?"

God replies "I sent you 2 boats and a bloody helicopter, what more did you want?!"
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Post by BigSaint »

Genie grants three wishes...

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one."

"Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," Genie says to the partner. The partner says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
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Post by BigSaint »

How to retire when business is poor.

Two elderly men met in a town in Florida, and began to talk to each other. It turned out both of them were from Oregon, and had owned small factories, and had now retired and moved to Florida.

"I had a factory that produced high-end furniture," said the first man. "Was successful for many years, made lots of money. But now the market is changing, cheap imported furniture is taking over. My company ran at a loss for a couple of years, and I didn't know what to do. And then one night there was a fire, and the whole damn factory burned down. I could have built a new factory with the insurance money, but you know, I figured I was old enough that it was time to retire. So I just took the insurance money, and here I am."

"Wow," said the second man. "That's so similar to my story. I had a factory that built speedboats. Lots of success for many years, made lots of money. But speedboat technology keeps changing faster and faster, and I wasn't keeping up, and I started to lose money. Then one day there was an earthquake, and the factory building collapsed! Luckily I was insured, just like you, and I decided to retire, 'take the money and run', and now here I am."

The first man gazed wide-eyed at the second man for several seconds, Then, in a low voice, he asked, "How do you arrange an earthquake?"
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Post by BigSaint »

Muslim terrorists have crashed a speedboat full of explosives into the base of the Hoover Dam...

Police suspect this might be the first attack in a month long operation named Ramadam.
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What's the fastest thing on land?

Stevie Wonder's speedboat
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Post by BigSaint »

A man is at the zoo...

... and comes to a silver back gorilla exhibit and he notices a sign. The sign states " Please do not tap the gorilla". He looks around and says bugger it and taps the gorilla.

The gorilla breaks out the cage violently and starts chasing the man. He realizes the bad choice that he made. He starts running away but realizes that the gorilla will catch up to him and maul him.

He finds a car and starts driving and thinks he's the clear. Looking in the rear view mirror, he connected eyes with gorilla who was right on his tail. The gorilla starts to attack the back of the car and the man makes it to the pier and hopping out and starts running to a speedboat. On the speedboat he revs it up to 100 MPH and thinks he's in the clear, only to see the gorilla swimming closely behind him. He docks the boat across the lake and and continues running.

Looking back he sees that the gorilla hasn't given up chase at all. He finds himself backed up against a tree, so he puts a bandana over his eyes and starts to smoke a cigarette; waiting for his demise. The gorilla comes up, taps him and says " TAG YOU'RE IT".
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Post by BigSaint »

The Pope, the Packers & the Vikings

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Minnesota Viking jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Packer Backer from the water, Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between Green Bay Packers & Vikings fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who the heck was that??"

"It was the most knowledgeable Pope," one replied. "He can summon God anytime and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may be knowledgeable & have access to God's wisdom, but he knows squat about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"
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A man is stranded on a desert island

As he is walking along the beach, bemoaning his current situation, he kicks something in the sand. It's a magic lamp! He rubs it and a genie appears.

"I will grant you three wishes." Says the genie.

The man thinks for a moment and says, "For my first wish, I'd like a boat with a full tank of gas!"

The genie nods and snaps his fingers. A speedboat appears in the water. "And your second wish"?

The man speaks almost immediately. "Ten million dollars cash on the boat, please!"

The genie nods and snaps his fingers. A duffle bag filled with cash appears on the boat. "And what do you want for your final wish?"

The man thinks for a long time. He suddenly smiles and says, "I want to be irresistible to everyone woman I come across!" The genie nods and snaps his fingers.

The man is instantly transformed into a piece of chocolate cake.
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Post by BigSaint »

Mr. Johnson decided to go yachting one day, when he became lost.

After being out at sea for three days, Mr. Johnson looked up and saw a huge cruise ship sailing towards him. The enormous ship halted next to the yacht.

"Thank goodness you showed up!" shouted Mr. Johnson. "I've been lost for three days."

The captain looked down from the ship and said, "You think *you* are lost?"
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Post by BigSaint »

A wealthy Frenchman was showing me his yachts...

“This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six... “

“What happened to 5?” I asked

“Cinq”
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I’m writing a rock song about a guy out at sea, looking down at another guy’s smaller yacht.

I’m going to call it “smirk on the water”.
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What's the difference between a Yacht and a Boat?

$100 Million Dollars
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I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.

As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
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After only a week of dating, my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesn't like my comparisons...

I feel worst than a turkey sandwich on a yacht.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant.

A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away.

The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and the has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. I love you and I want us to live a long life together."

"Not after the way you humiliated me tonight."

"Look, I'll make sure that she doesn't do anything like that again."

"You mean you're going to see her again?"

"Of course."

"Divorce."

"You need to think this through. We have a prenup. If we divorce, you'll be comfortable, but at a very different level. No more taking the jet to Paris for shopping. No more beach house, no more cruises on the yacht. Even dinners like this won't be common."

She is quiet for a while, then she says, "Isn't that Ted from the club? Who's he with? It isn't Stella."

"That's Ted's mistress. I think her name is Kristy or Krissy or something like that."

"Hmm. Ours is prettier."
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Building yachts

I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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There is some truth to the adage that money can't buy you love...

But it can buy a mansion, a yacht, a sports car, and a Bermudian island. After that, you're beating love off with a stick.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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I told my friend I was an origami black belt? He laughed..

He wasn't laughing any more when I folded him into a &[at]#%ing yacht...
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song and Chickpeas can only Hummus one.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

Everybody!
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said..

"You know one would have been enough"
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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I used to date this cross-eyed chick

We didn't last. We did not see eye-to-eye.

It's OK though. She was seeing someone on the side anyway.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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What do you think when you see a deer with no eyes?

No idea!
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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What do you call jokes about eyes?

Vitreous humor
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
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