Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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BigSaint
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


Still no eye deer.
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Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."
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Post by BigSaint »

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh!
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Post by BigSaint »

Heard of the new viagra eye drops......

Make you look hard
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A man goes to the doctor because his eye has been bothering him

As soon as he walks in the doctor takes one look at him and says "You have eye cancer."

The man is shocked and asks the doctor, "You are able to diagnose someone with eye cancer by just taking one look at them?!"

And the doctor slowly replies, "Eye cancer."
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Patient: “doctor i think my eye sight is deteriorating. I cant see very far”


Doctor: “really? come over to the window. Now what is that big round yellow thing in the sky?”


Patient: “well that's the sun”


Doctor: “yep! so how much further do you want to see”
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An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:
My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus", he says.


Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me". The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.


Then the Australian calls out: "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says: "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.


The Brit then calls out: "Oii whack, would you be Jesus"? Jesus smiles and says: "Yes, I am Jesus". The Brit beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Tom Collins for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.


Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:


"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle"! Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.


Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone it's a miracle"!!!


Jesus then goes to approach the Brit who says: "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability"!
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My friend looked me dead in the eyes and went "Imagine if you were half horse."

"You would be the centaur of attention."
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What do you call a one eyed horse?

Cyclippity-clops
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A man walks into an eye doctor…..

……..he says hello to the doctor, and the doctor says the same. The doctor asks the man if he’d like to hear a joke.

The man says yes.

“Why does the phone wears glasses?” The doctor asked. The man shakes his head in confusion.

The doctor continues, “because he doesn’t have any contacts”.

The man frustratedly said “could you not have thought of a cornea joke?
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I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.
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I had the eye of a tiger, and the heart of a lion,

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
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Dad: You know who all I saw today?

Daughter: Who?

Dad: Everybody I looked at

Daughter: Huh?!

Dad: You don't like my vision joke? Too bad, that's how eye-roll ** rolls eyes **

Daughter: I'm not laughing at your eye rolling jokes again

Dad: Why? Is it too "cornea" for you?

Daughter: I give up, lol.

Dad: I'm still the master, you're still the "pupil"
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One eyed guy goes fishing without any word or notice to his wife. Has a great trip, comes home sunburnt with a cooler full of fish fillets.

Wife meets him at the door, screaming, "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME FOR TWO DAYS?!".

Guy answers without thinking, "That'd be freakin' GREAT!".

So the rest of that night, he doesn't see her. Next day, doesn't see her. Third day? He finally sees her.

She says "So, smart ass? How was that?"

.

.

.

He says, "Punch me again, it was better when I was all swollen and couldn't see you."
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Post by BigSaint »

What's the greyest animal without eyes?

the **grt** animal
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What does a cross-eyed teacher have trouble controlling in class?

His pupils.
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What do you call a stock broker that also works as a private eye?

An Invest-igator
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So Joe had these headaches...
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck."

Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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Post by BigSaint »

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses
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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."

"Oh yeah, why?"

"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"
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Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they have no balls to scratch.
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An old Jew is on his deathbed.

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."

And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.

So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
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Post by BigSaint »

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes..
.
I now have Heinzsight.
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Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test.
Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says “Read it? I know the guy”.
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Humans have a nerve that runs from the back of the eyes to the anus.

Its called the anal-optic nerve. If you don't believe me, try pulling a hair from your ass and it will bring a tear to your eyes.
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A guy just exited a high rise hotel on the beach and he's walking along the sand and boom something hits his foot. After further examination he sees that it's a glass eye. He immediately looks up and there's a beautiful woman on the 3rd floor looking over the balcony and he shout's "is this your glass eye"?

She said yes and invites him up to her room. After drinks, dinner and a sleepover the guy wakes up in the morning and asks "do you do this all the time"?

She replied "only if somebody catches her eye" .
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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender said "What about your hook?"

The pirate took another long swig. "Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing my own hand off."

The bartender was growing sceptical. "And how did you get that eyepatch?"

The pirate took another swig. "Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As i looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye."

The bartender said "That's ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck."

The pirate finished his ale in one gulp, and grimaced. "Twas the first day with the hook."
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After twelve years of psychoanalysis, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said....

He said, No hablo Ingles. (I don't speak English)
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.
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Today a woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

When I got face to face with the woman, I said, "Miss, are you aware that you could be cited for indecent exposure?"

"Why?" the woman asked.

"Well," I said, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."

The woman quickly looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!"
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Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon dieu, that was so arousing and erotic, but tell me, why before you kissed me, did you pour red wine on my lip?"

"I am Pierre, zee French fighter pilot, and when i taste the red meat, i have the red wine."

"Oh Pierre, that is so romantic, kiss me again, but lower this time!" and so he carefully unbuttons her blouse and lowers his head. But before he begins, he pours a little bit of white wine on her breast, and then, ravagement.

"Oh, Pierre, Pierre", she squealed, "again, so erotic, so arousing, so magnifique! but tell me, why this time, at my breast, the white wine?"

"I am Pierre, zee French fighter pilot, and when I have the white meat, I pair it with the white wine."

"Oh Pierre, Pierre, so romantic, so sensual, kiss me lower, kiss me lower!"

And so he gets down on his knee and lifts her bustle, pushing aside her bloomers and lowers his head. Just before he engages, however, he pours a little bit of cognac onto her pubic hair and sets it alight.

"PIERRE, PIERRE, WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS?" she cried, batting out the flames.

"I am Pierre, zee french fighter pilot, and when i go down, i go down in flames."
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Post by BigSaint »

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
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Suzy came to the church in a see-through blouse leaving nothing to imagination

After the congregation,the priest called her aside and said " you can't come to church dressed like that " pointing at her blouse.

"But I have a divine right" complained Suzy.

" And you have a divine left too " noted the priest " still you can't come dressed like that " .
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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again.

“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”

She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”

“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”
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My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily

'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .

And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What did the triceratops name her Blouse Making business?

Try Sarah's Tops
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A passenger airplane is flying over the ocean

When all of a sudden the plane experiences a violent jolt. The captain comes over the speaker and says "We have experienced engine failure, and unfortunately, there is nothing we can do. The plane is going down."

While the passengers are contemplating certain death, a woman stands up, rips off her blouse, and yells "My entire life I have never been with a man. Is there a man on board who will make me feel like a woman before I die?!"

Just then, a man stands up in the back and yells "I will!" He approaches the woman, takes off all of his clothes, and she also takes off her clothes. There they are, both naked, staring intensely into each other's eyes. The man then hands her his clothes and says, "Here, wash these for me, will ya?
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I’d guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I’m 50."

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I’d say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I’m 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. If you permit me to put my hands under your bra, then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, " Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won’t get mad?" "I promise I won’t," she says. "I was behind you in McDonald’s."
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A boy and a girl are romanticaly sitting in the park

Suddenly she loosens her blouse and while looking the boy in the eyes she asks: "do you want to know where they did surgery on my heart?"

The boy, being flabbergasted by this stutters a bit and then brings out: "yes... Yes please!" While looking greedily at her breasts.

The girl, happy with this interest, turns around and says: "it was there, in the white building with the big windows"
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband,

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh...no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited.

"Well, go look in the garage," she said....
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A woman went to the doctor with an unusual problem...

"Doctor, I've got three breasts." She declared.

"Please undress," said the doctor.

"Doctor, I'm worried that when you'll see my problem you'll laugh", she said nervously.

"Don't be concerned, Miss" said the Doctor. "I'm a medical man and I'm fully trained to handle such problems."

She took off her blouse revealing her three breasts and the doctor burst into uncontrollable laughter.

So she lifted her arm and pissed in his face.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Lindsay Lohan got her blouse dirty...

..and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says "I need to get this cleaned" to the man behind the counter.

The man who was hard of hearing replies "come again?",

Lindsay responds "No, mustard".
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Teacher says to class, can anyone give me a sentence with the word fascinate in it?

Little johnny says my big fat sister bought a blouse that has 14 buttons but she can only fasten eight..
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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A shipwrecked Scotsman is rescued by a Royal Navy destroyer

...he is taken to the sick bay where a beautiful young nurse is waiting.

"Our Captain wanted me to tell that he is from Aberdeen and wants his countryman to be receive the best of care. How long has it been since you had a drink of Whisky?"

"Five long years my dear." The Scotsman replies.

"Well the Captain will have a bottle sent down from his personal collection," the nurse assures him. "And how long since you have had a good meal?"

"Five years again."

"You will dine in the wardroom tonight, the captain will see to it."

The nurse then begins to unbutton her blouse and leans toward the Scotsman with a smirk, "So, how long has it been since you played around?"

The Scotsman is taken aback and grins, "You don't mean to tell me the captain has a golf course on the ship as well!? What a miracle!"
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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An wealthy English woman had a butler named John.

One day when her husband was away on vacation, she asked John to follow her into her bedroom.

Then she said, “John, take off my blouse”.

Then: “John, take off my skirt”.

Then: “John, take off my bra”.

Then: “John, take off my underwear”.

Then she sighed and said, “John, don’t you _ever_ wear my clothes again!”
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Former figure skater Michelle Kwan was caught by paparazzi, who took an unfortunate down-blouse pic.

Nevertheless, it's a perfect example of both quality and Kwan titty.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70 off came the pants. At 75 it was her bra and At 80 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, went over an embankment, and hit a tree! His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied, "Ma'am if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.

I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

An Italian young lady is about to go on a walk with her beau when he grandmother warns her...

She tells her granddaugter this:

He will try to kiss you, but you shouldn't let him, even if it feels nice, for it will dishonor you.

He will try to move his hands under your blouse or skirt, you may like it, but you must not let him do it, for it will greatly dishonor you.

He may try to lay on top of you, and even though it may feel nice you must ABSOLUTELY NOT let him do it for it will bring great shame and dishonor to our entire family!


After this warning the young woman leaves. She comes back later, red in the face and giggling.

"Grandma, what you said is true. I did not let him kiss me. I also did not let his hands roam. And when he tried to lay on top of me, I moved us around so...

I dishonored his family instead!"
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