Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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if someone was beat to death by a doobie.
Would it be death by blunt force.
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People act like PETA is the only charity that has an 85% death rate.
But what about Make-A-Wish?
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Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history
Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted
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If my wife was on Death Row her last meal would be
“I don’t know. What do you feel like?”
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What do you call a prisoner on death row with a big penis?
Well hung
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Most people will say there are two certainties in life; deaths and taxes. But I found another certainty.
Eye floaties.
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After Quasimodo's death…
…, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringers job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

(but wait, there's more...)

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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I've been trying to come up with a somewhat sensitive joke for the anniversary of Kobe Bryant's death
But I don't think it would land properly..
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Why was there a Covid-19 outbreak on the Death Star?
'Cos the Stormtroopers missed their shots.
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Why did the two blondes freeze to death at the drive in cinema?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.
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An electric confession!
A woman is on trial for beating her abusive husband to death with his guitar collection.


The judge asks her "First offender?"


She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
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What comes after death?
Necrophiliacs
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An old man on his death bed ask his wife for one dying wish.
She says anything for you.

I would like you to marry John when I die.

The wife says but I thought you hated John.

He replied I DO!!
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I hope death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
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Why couldn't Cleopatra accept Mark Anthony's death?
She was the queen of denial
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A genie tells a man he gets four things, but his wife gets double it.
The first thing he wants is a million-dollar life insurance policy.

The genie says ok, but your wife gets a two-million-dollar policy.

Then, he asks for a new car.

Ok, but your wife gets two.

Then, he asks for an 8 bedroom house.

Finally, he asks to be beaten half to death.
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When it comes to catching mice what's the difference between a live trap and a death trap?
About a week
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What is Kira from “Death Note”‘s favorite Christmas Carol?
The first no-L
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My great grandpa, on his death bed, offered to sell his vital organs on the black market to help pay our rent during economic crisis.
We declined his offer.

We got evicted a week later, and he died another week after that, but at least his heart was in the right place.
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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get ou
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
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Sure, the Death Star was expensive.
But Vader's suit cost him an arm and a leg.
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Warrior: I swear I will have my revenge for the death of my brother!
Elf: You have my bow.

Dwarf: And my axe.

Necromancer: And your brother.
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Archaeologists have revealed how King Tut died
Records indicate he was found naked, with a rope around his neck.



They determined the cause of death was Auto Erotic A-sphinx-iation.
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So, death isn't actually the most common fear...
... it's public speaking. This means if you were at a funeral, you'd likely rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.
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A guy died and his three friends all owed him $100 each
1st and 2nd friends both put $100 on his coffin and declared repayment even in death. 3rd guy wrote a check for $300 and took the $200 change.
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A guys parachute fails to open.
While he is still falling and awaiting his death, he looks down and sees another person coming from down there right in his direction.

As they both meet, the man says: "Hey, can you repair my parachute?" The other answers: "No sorry, I usually only repair gas leaks.."
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My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.
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In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys
In Europe we call them Royals
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I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"
Then i told him "its a long story"
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My wife left me after I slept with my third cousin
Guess the third time isn't a charm.
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I have an epileptic cousin.
His name? Julius Seizure
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My rich cousin's hummer-porschaghini.

So I have this cousin who is absolutely loaded and he had this idea he would pay the best mechanic around to build him custom car.

He wanted the body of a Lamborghini, with the engine of a Porsche, and all the amazing features of an original hummer. He decided to call it the Hummer-porschaghini

So the mechanic does it, and my cousin goes to pick up the car, thanks the mechanic for his work, and speeds off to see what this baby can do on the country roads.

After a while he needs to go get some gas. He finds a small rundown gas station in the middle of nowhere. They used the massive tank from the hummer so he starts filling up and it takes a while.

While he's waiting this little kid on a tricycle with missing teeth, muddy boots and BIG red suspenders bikes up and says in a squeaky little voice:

"Wow mister! I really like your car!"

"Thanks kid"

"Can I take a look inside?"

"Uhhhh, sure kid, just take off those boots before you get in."

So my cousin hears the kid oooing and ahhhing while he fills up, but then the tank is full and he's ready to go again.

"Alright kid, hop out, gotta go"

The kids hops out, sits on his tricycle at the drivers door, says in his squeaky voice to my cousin"

"Thanks mister, I really like your car"

"Thanks kid" and my cousin closes the door and speeds off.

He decides to really push the limit on this engine to see how fast it can go. 60... 80... 100... 120...

As he's flying down the road be notices that there's something actually gaining on him quickly in his rearview mirror. Something really small...

As it grows he realizes... It's the kid!!

He sees the kid's face with a crazy look in his eyes. His feet are pedaling faster than you can imagine on his little tricycle, and he is actually GAINING on the Hummer-porschaghini.

As the kid gets much closer my cousin starts to slow down... It's really wierd, but maybe the kid forgot something?

As the car slows down... The kid zooms right past him! "WHAT?!" my cousin is blown away by just how fast he is going, so he steps on the gas and tears off. 120... 140... 160... 180...

He passes the kid, the kid disappears from sight... My cousin thinks he lost him. "No way a kid can tricycle this fast!" But that's when it happened again...

The kid was in the rearview mirror. And gaining on him. Again.

"Whaaaat the actual fffff@#&$ is going on?" my cousin says.

The kids face is just wild now. His eyes are watering and his face is being pushed back by the speed. As he gets closer in the mirror, my cousin is actually terrified of this kid now.

Is this literally a demon kid? What can I even do except .. stop?

So my cousin stops the Hummer-porschaghini. The kid zooms past... But then, off in the distance, the kid stops, and starts backpedaling... Gaining speed and going backwards.

The kid passes the car, then he starts pedaling forward faster than humanly possible again.

He goes past the car again, back and forth a few times until finally the kid stops at the drivers side door. He has a look of complete terror on his face. His eyes look crazed.

My cousin rolls down the window and says "kid! What the hell... HOW DID YOU?!?! "

And that's when the kid shouted out

"MISTER MISTER!! MY SUSPENDERS WERE CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!!"
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Did you know Darth Vader’s cousin lives in Switzerland and drives a cab?
He’s called ‘Taxi Vader’
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My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
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My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.
I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.
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My incarcerated cousin who has a stutter just died in jail
He didn't even get to finish his sentence
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How do you call Bruce Lee's vegan cousin?
Broco Lee
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Did you hear about Cardi B's cousin, the fitness instructor?
Cardi O.
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My cousin “I'm expecting twins!”
Me, “Finally two kids from the same man.”
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Two cousins go to the unemployment office.
They ask the first one what he does and he tells them “pilot”. They tell him they can get him a job immediately. They ask second cousin and he’s says “woodcutter” they tell him it may be difficult to place him because its not really a specialty. “Well you said you could get my cousin a job right away”. They told him there is a great demand for pilots, but not woodcutters. He says “ Well, if I don’t cut it he can’t pile it”.
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Redneck vasectomy
After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "There is a cheaper option," said the vet. "Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up and put it in a Coors Lite can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

“I ain't no rocket surgeon," said the redneck, "but how's that gonna help me?"

“Trust me” said the vet.

So the redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count:

“1… 2… 3… 4… 5…”

Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.
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How did the hillbilly find his cousin in the woods?
Pretty good.
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My cousin told me it's totally safe to get a dental piercing
Turns out he was lying through his teeth.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

I like my cousins like my ham
Inbred
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Last night, I went to a bar with my wife and cousin.
She ordered beer.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up?


An Orangatangle!
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.
"I hope you win" was not the correct response.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Which Dino was the best in English?
The Saurus
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie.
In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!"
That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.
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