Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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Post by BigSaint »

I bought some engine oil for my bike ...
But it was too thick, so I thinned it out with some gasoline, but then it was too thin, so I added more oil, but I just can't seem to get it right. It's a viscous cycle.
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Post by BigSaint »

What did the father gasoline say to his wife gasoline about their son that was setting cars ablaze?
“That’s arson.”
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One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years
Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!
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Why are artists such fans of gasoline?
Because it makes their Van Gogh
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Post by voneschenbach1 »

A Rabbi, a Jesuit Priest, a Baptist Preacher and an Imam got onto an elevator with me... I told them it feels like the start of a joke but they just glared at me except for the Rabbi who started chuckling. I work at a Catholic university with a theology school... this kind of thing happens all of the time. Sorry - I'll see myself out...
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Roses are red, Cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)
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Roses are red, reposting is lame,
[this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]
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Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?
Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head.

Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom?

Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head.

Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa?

Mother: How about you stop bloody complaining, Coconut?
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The little Indian boy asked his dad "How did Rose Petal get her name?"
The father replied. "Well son, when your mother went out for the first time after your sister was born, she stepped on a rose petal. So we named her that."

The son nodded.

"By the way," the father continued. "Why do you want to know, Bear Poop?"
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Roses are red,

I like Darth Vader.

Poetry is hard,

calculator.
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I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses but I don’t think she likes them.
She said that’s gross.
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Four older ladies were playing bridge at Rose’s house one afternoon.
Rose’s husband walks in the door.

“Hello dear.”

“Hello dear,” she responds.

He slowly makes his way over to the table table and Rose unzips his fly and pulls out his pecker, giving it a gentle kiss before putting it back again.

He zips up his pants and walks away while the other women sit mortified at what they just saw happen.

Finally one of them says, “How could you do such a thing?”

“Have you ever smelled his breath?”
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Lady Mary strolled down the path to where the young gardener was pruning the roses
"Hello, Thomas."

"Good morning, Your Ladyship."

"You know, Thomas, ever since you've come to work for us, I've been afraid that you would force me to kiss you," she said, conversationally.

"Oh, Your Ladyship, how could I do that with a pair of secateurs in one hand and a bag of clippings in the other?" he replied.

"Well," she mused, "you could put the secateurs on the bench and rest the clippings against that tree."
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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So . . . . here I am!"
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A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:

"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

..... HE WON !!
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A mother and her 2 daughters are at a cemetery
One of the kids is curious and asks her mom “Mommy, why am I named Rose?”

Their mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head.”

Her second daughter asks “Mommy, why am I named Daisy?”

Her mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head.”

Then, Rose looks at the tombstone and points at the name written on it.

“So why is that their name?” Rose asks.

Her mom sighs and says “We’ll always remember Samsung Smart Fridge.”
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Post by BigSaint »

What happened to the Guns N' Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair?
Its axle rose
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A navy officer sent a letter to his wife that he would be arriving a week earlier..
When he arrives,he finds his wife in bed with another man.

Disgusted, he goes to the navy base and stays in the lodge contemplating what to do next.

The next day, he receives a call from his mother-in-law who is also a wife of a naval officer.

" Rose told me everything" she said " and there is a perfect explanation for all this " .

"Which is ?" He retorted.

" The postal service didn't deliver your letter" she replied.
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Son: Why is my sister named Rose?

Dad: Because your mom loves roses

Son: Thanks dad!

Dad: No problem, Richard
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Jesus was walking outside the gates of heaven and he sees an old man sitting on a bench..
He approaches the old man and asks.. "good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?" The old man replies "I'm waiting for my son, he should be along soon." Jesus thinks for a second and asks "will you tell me of your son? Maybe I know of him." The old man sighs and says "Sadly, we lost touch when he was young.. I know he was a carpenter like I was, I know he was quite famous and people followed him around. People told stories about him. They wrote a book about him and there was even talk of miracles..." Jesus stood stunned.. carpenter? miracles?... He looked at the old man as tears swelled in his eyes... "Dad?" The old man rose slowly, tears running down his cheeks as he held out his arms and said "Pinocchio? "
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The real reason Jack and Rose separated at the end...
Jack got cold feet.
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Two older couples were having breakfast.
Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night

Old man 2: What's its name?

Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?

Old man 2: Carnation?

Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.

Old man 2: Rose?

Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
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Post by BigSaint »

Vegetarians are such nice people
I once went into a supermarket and a vegetarian person pushed himself in front of me and left a rose on top of a nice bit of beef.

Thanks to him not only did I get a great quality piece of beef, but I got a rose too.

Was a great day all around !
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Post by BigSaint »

There once was a man named Mr. Evans who pursued a law degree, even though his passion was music. All through law school, he yearned to drop out and play in a cover band, singing Beatles songs all night to a crowd of fans. Eventually, though the man became a lawyer instead.
Through the years, he became a highly esteemed practicioner of law. He rose in his practice of jurisprudence until one day he even became a county judge. He came home and told his wife that he still wasn’t satisfied. Despite everything, singing the Beatles was still his dream. She told her next door neighbor, Megan, who told her husband, Tom.

Tom said, “We’ve known Judge Evans his whole life. He’s getting to retiring age. It’d be a shame if he never got to realize his true dream.”

Megan agreed, and after talking with Mrs. Evans, they conspired to make the judge’s dream come true. For Meg and Tom’s 30th anniversary party, they’d ask Judge Evans to play music.

Judge Evans showed up to Meg and Tom’s house. He was sheepish, but agreed to sing “Hey Jude.” To Tom’s surprise, he sounded just like John Lennon! They gave him the gig without a second thought.

Elated, Mr. Evans called up a few of his buddies down at the country club and found a drummer, a bass player, and a guitarist. They wore bell bottoms and headbands, even looking the part!

The group showed up to the party and started singing “Yellow Submarine.” To Meg and Tom’s horror, the guitar was out of tune, the drummer was off-beat, and Mr. Evans accompanying vocalists were atrocious.

Tom turned to Meg and said, “I guess we should’ve listened to the age old adage.”

“Oh?” Meg asked.

“Never book a Judge by his cover.”
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Post by BigSaint »

The Florists wife was Rose
The weatherman’s wife was May

The bankers wife was Penny

And the senators wife was Peggy.
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Roses are red

Violets are blue

Sugar is sweet

And so are you.

The roses have wilted

The violets are dead

The sugar bowl's empty

And so is your head.
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Widow at the funeral
Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attenders left, Sam's wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend, Sadie, and said: "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right" replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper: "tell me, how much did it really cost?"
"All of it" said Rose. "50,000."

"No!" Sadie exclaimed "I mean, it was very nice, but really.......$50,000?"

Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6500. I donated $500 to the church for the priest services. The food and drinks for another $500. And the rest went towards the memorial stone."
Sadie computed quickly: "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Exactly how big is it?"
"Seven and a half carats."
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." Shaking his head, he continued, "I just can't take that chance."
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I came home from work with a bouquet of roses.
My wife looked at me suspiciously and said, "Have you done something wrong?"

I said, "...Yes."

She said, "What is it?"

I said, "Bought an ungrateful bitch flowers."
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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.
"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the drunk guy says "I know a guy in town who has a penis that's two feet long!"

An embarrassed silence falls, as he's essentially called their bluff.

The American shrugs. "I suppose, if all our bombers rose, you could see some of the sky. I may have exaggerated."

"Yes, yes", says the Chinese general grudgingly, "if all our soldiers marched together, surely you could see some of the ground. Let's be real."

"Well, okay ," the drunk guy says , "Maybe my guy lives a little outside of town ."
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Post by BigSaint »

Roses are gray
Violets are gray

Tulips are gray

Because I am a dog
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My wife Rose is leaving me because of my obsession with pens....
Bye Rose.
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son. what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
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I thought it was romantic to secretly swap my girlfriend's backpack for a bag of roses.
Her skydiving instructor didn't.
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An obituary
Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.
Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects; including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Capt. Crunch.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Born and raised in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being flakey at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, and his three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough. He and his wife also had one in the oven. He is also survived by his father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
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Post by BigSaint »

Why are roses bushes always reproducing?
Cos they're so thorny
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Post by BigSaint »

Mary Rose sat on a pin.
Mary Rose
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Cannibals
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued, "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But no, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by voneschenbach1 »

BigSaint wrote: 20 Aug 2022 01:05 My wife Rose is leaving me because of my obsession with pens....
Bye Rose.
Good one. As an American I had to think about that one for a while but watching millions of BBC shows got me there in the end lol
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Post by BigSaint »

I saw a guy tuning a piano, and said "Betcha can't tune a fish!" Without missing a beat, he replied...
"Sure I can, just gotta use the C scale!"
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**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silently reread the fax message from civil defense. As licensed broadcasters they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them the nukes were flying and that in a few minutes, all of the world's troubles would be over.

What was the point of that though? To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change?

Their eyes met and a decision was reached. Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio door, the colleagues toasted the end of a long career.

Bert, always the consummate professional, turned away from the window as the first explosion split the distant horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt and brushed his hair back. He would meet his fiery death with dignity.

Bert turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice, "How do I look, Ernie?"

Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He looked into Bert's face and saw the closeness they shared, the strength of their relationship, forged over the years. took a deep breath and spoke quietly:

"With your eyes, Bert."
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Post by BigSaint »

What is the best way to tune a bagpipe?
With a Pitchfork!
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There once was a man named Mr. Evans who pursued a law degree, even though his passion was music. All through law school, he yearned to drop out and play in a cover band, singing Beatles songs all night to a crowd of fans. Eventually, though the man became a lawyer instead.
Through the years, he became a highly esteemed practicioner of law. He rose in his practice of jurisprudence until one day he even became a county judge. He came home and told his wife that he still wasn’t satisfied. Despite everything, singing the Beatles was still his dream. She told her next door neighbor, Megan, who told her husband, Tom.

Tom said, “We’ve known Judge Evans his whole life. He’s getting to retiring age. It’d be a shame if he never got to realize his true dream.”

Megan agreed, and after talking with Mrs. Evans, they conspired to make the judge’s dream come true. For Meg and Tom’s 30th anniversary party, they’d ask Judge Evans to play music.

Judge Evans showed up to Meg and Tom’s house. He was sheepish, but agreed to sing “Hey Jude.” To Tom’s surprise, he sounded just like John Lennon! They gave him the gig without a second thought.

Elated, Mr. Evans called up a few of his buddies down at the country club and found a drummer, a bass player, and a guitarist. They wore bell bottoms and headbands, even looking the part!

The group showed up to the party and started singing “Yellow Submarine.” To Meg and Tom’s horror, the guitar was out of tune, the drummer was off-beat, and Mr. Evans accompanying vocalists were atrocious.

Tom turned to Meg and said, “I guess we should’ve listened to the age old adage.”

“Oh?” Meg asked.

“Never book a Judge by his cover.”
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A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot
A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I don't think I can afford that" the woman answers

"OK, no problem. For $100 this parrot is incredible. It was raised in the home of Sir Andrew Motion, it knows the complete works of Eliot, Wordsworth and Whitman and will recite their poems on command."

"That's incredible, but I can't afford that one either"

"OK, OK, I see you want a slightly more budget option. This next parrot is only $50. He's wonderful. He used to be Andrew Lloyd Webber's parrot, and he knows all the show tunes. He whistles any show tune you like, on command."

"Wow, that's great. It's still too expensive though. What can I get for $5?"

The shopkeeper looks at her, and with a shrug goes into the back room and brings out another parrot. It's beautiful, the colours are far more radiant than the other three, it stands proud in its cage, a truly majestic looking bird.

"What a beautiful parrot! Why is it only $5?"

"It was raised reading Readers Digest jokes and repeats the same three jokes 100 times a day"
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What could possibly wrong with Hitchhiking Nun

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes: "I'm Neil and I screw behind the wheel".

And he sings this every five minutes.

At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the highway. Neil has a good heart and naturally stops to pick up the nun. But after five minutes of driving, Neil realises that he could get in trouble if he starts singing his song again.

Anyway, after some thinking, Neil starts whistling the song instead of singing the lyrics. After whistling the song three times, the nun says: "Wow, that's a nice tune. Are there no lyrics for it?" "Yes" says Neil "but it's rather vulgar and I don't want to shock you as a nun". "But that's nothing" says the nun "we live in modern times and we can already take a punch, you know".

No sooner said than done, Neil starts singing his song again: "I am Neil and I screw behind the wheel".

The nun, really amused by the song, asks Neil if this is really so. Neil immediately confirms this and the nun proposes to try it out on a parking lot. Neil of course immediately agrees. But the nun first sets a condition: "You have to catch me from behind, because we are checked every month and I wouldn't want to have any problems". "No worries" says Neil and they follow the rules.

After the full event they leave again and of course after 5 minutes Neil sings his song again: "I'm Neil and I screw behind the wheel".

The nun can't hold back and immediately afterward begins to sing as well "I'm John and like to dress up as a nun".
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by RevRed+ »


Postcard.
Postcard.


IMG_0018.jpg

Red.
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Post by RevRed+ »


Funny Postcard.
Funny Postcard.

Red.
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A young girl asked her mother "How do lions make love?"

The mother replied "I don't know dear, your father is in Rotary!"
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What did the envelope say to the stamp?
Stick with me baby, we're going places
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!
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