Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Apparently Mike Tyson has a tiger that he regularly plays with
That’s really irresponsible. He shouldn’t be messing with wild beasts of nature like that. I know he thinks he’s nice and won’t bite, but Mike Tyson has shown signs of aggression before
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Post by BigSaint »

Pretend you're in a jungle, what do you do if a tiger is chasing you and catching up to you?
Stop pretending.
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How do Tigers, Elephants, and Lions fly?
On the African plain
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Post by BigSaint »

The King of the Jungle said he was a tiger
He's a lion.
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What led to Tiger's downfall in golf
He used his wood on too many holes
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My grandfather has a heart of a tiger.
He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo.
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Where do tigers go for ice cream?
Carol Baskin Robbins
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What are the two reactions you should have when you see a tiger in Africa?
Fear, because it's a tiger!

And Surprise, because there are no tigers in Africa.
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What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
Santa has only 3 hoes.
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A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"
The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.
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Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says
"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.

Tiger says "you have to understand Stevie I am a pro golfer, it will be too much of a mismatch"

Stevie says" OK well tell you what, a million dollars says I win or are you chicken"

Tiger says "OK done, when do you want to play?"

Stevie says "any night this week"
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A lion, a tiger, a cheetah and a mouse fell in a hole
after trying to get away for hours, they gave up and accepted their fate

soon enough everybody got hungry.

The tiger proposed that they start by eating the weakest animal, the cheetah agreed, but the mouse stood up and said : "if you touch the lion I'll kick you in the nuts"
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How did Tony the Tiger find out he was going to be a dad?
His wife said “Honey, I’m laaaaaaaaaate”
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What's the difference between a German Tiger and a Siberian Tiger?
One can survive the Winter.
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A Lion would never cheat on it’s wife.
But a Tiger Wood
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Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
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What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career?
His driving game.
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I want to thank everyone here for teaching me the word "Plethora"
It means a lot
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I was teaching my wife to play golf
I was teaching my wife to play golf when I popped into the clubhouse for a drink. She came back early and said she'd been stung by a bee. I said "Where?". She said "Between the first and second hole". I said "Sounds to me like your stance is too wide."
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A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She says "I want you to see this."

She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
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A father is teaching his son how to drive.

The father asks his son “there’s an old man and a young boy on the road, what do you hit?”

The son replies with confidence “that’s easy, the old man of course”

The father says “the brakes”
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My son has recently been teaching me various technical things about IT
I guess you really do learn from your mistakes
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I'm planning to start a business on teaching math to short people.
Gonna call it "making the little things count".
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I was teaching my science class about Pavlov.

The students were laughing at the stupidity of the dogs.

Then the bell rang and they all got up and rushed to the canteen for lunch.
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The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Sister, I think it's your feet.” The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?" Little Johnny said "Well, I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying ‘Oh God, I'm coming.’ I gotta tell you, if dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
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Recently I've started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.
It's a tough job but I enjoy it. It really has it's prose and cons.
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So I was teaching a church Sunday school class this morning and asked the kids what they know about resurrection. Only one child raised her hand and said...
***"I don't know what it is but I know that if it lasts for more than four hours then you should call a doctor"***
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I am teaching my 5 year old about good eating habits.
My 5 year old son has a bit if a sweet tooth. I decided to have a discussion that eating too much junk food and snacks will make him fat...

Fast forward to this afternoon, I was with my son in the bank lining up. Behind us, a pregnant lady with the big baby bump lines up.

Remembering the conversation about eating too many snacks my son turns around, with a smirk on his face and an awkward tone, he announces to the lady....

"Oh..... I know what you've been doing"
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I’ve been teaching my kid to fall forward…
Because his teacher said he will repeat the grade if he continues to fall behind.
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My online gf is teaching me the metric system on our first real date…
I can’t wait to metre
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A German woman swore an oath to prepare her large field for planting using only the teachings of Lao-tsu, an ox and a pig. Local farmers call this "impossible".
# Headline:"Frau vows to plow with Tao, cow and sow... somehow."
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Miss Annie was teaching Sunday school to a group of first graders.
She explained that Easter would come soon, and asked if anyone knew which holiday Easter was.

Little Suzie asked, “Is that the holiday where we get a tree, and everyone gets presents?”

Miss Annie said, “No that is Christmas.”

Little Billy asked, “Is that the holiday where we have picnics and shoot fireworks?”

Miss Annie said, “No, that is Independence Day”

Little Johnny asked, “Is that when Jesus died?”

Miss Annie said, “Very good Johnny, can you tell me anything else about Easter?”

Johnny replied, “yeah, he rose again 3 days later, came out of a cave and saw his shadow, and there were 6 more weeks of winter!”
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I'm teaching my Grandson the alphabet at the moment, starting with the hardest first four letters..
..the rest is just e-z
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A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence
She explains what intelligence is and then

Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called stupid. Now how many of you think of yourselves as stupid, stand up.

She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.

Teacher: Do you think you are stupid?

Student: No

Teacher: Then why did you stand up?

Student: I felt bad since you're the only one standing.
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They’re teaching apple juicing down the road from me, but it got cancelled before I could go.
It was a pressing issue.
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I saw a man on the London Underground, teaching his dog to play the trumpet.
He went from Barking to Tooting
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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention
So she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
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A teacher was teaching her class about whales.
She said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being as even though it was a gigantic animal, its stomach was very small. A little girl put up her hand and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher insisted that a whale couldn’t possibly swallow a human. The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I’ll ask Jonah.”

The teacher replied, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”

The girl said: “Then you ask him.”
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Teaching as a career
A school teacher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm so worn out," he complains to the bartender. "The entire American school system is horribly disorganized and poorly run." "Well, then I guess it's true," the bartender says. "School really does prepare you for real life."
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A teacher is teaching her kindergarten class the alphabet.
Teacher: “Now, can you tell me the next two letters after M?”

Class: “NO”
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Why did the cyclops stop teaching?
He only had one pupil.
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Vanilla Ice has started a new business teaching Microsoft Office to people’s parents.
Word to your mother.
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I got an email the other day teaching me how to read maps backwards
Turns out it was just spam
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What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?
The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.
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Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
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I always wear sunglasses while I'm teaching
because my students are too bright.
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A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form English sentences.
“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

During a mass, the pastor was teaching his congregation what a tithe was.
'Now, if you have a million dollars,' he asked the crowd, 'how many of you will give out one-tenth to the church?'

All but one raised their hands. Bemused, the pastor walked down towards the one who didn't.

'Why not, my child?' he asked, 'Isn't there nothing more joyous than giving back to the church and serving God?'

'Well no,' the man replied, 'but I do have a million dollars.'
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...
A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<br>"Yes." Says the teacher.

"So it's like a phone? Wouldn't it get a busy signal trying to call itself?"

"No, not like a phone, it's more like-" The teacher starts to explain, but is cut off by the student.

"Is it like a role call? Like when you call your own name?"

"No," the teacher continues "It's not-"

But the student immediately interrupts.

"Like calling a bet? You bet on yourself?"

"No!" The teacher finally blurts. "Look, I can see you're confused. Why don't I tell you a joke my professor taught me..."

He clears his throat and begins.

"A professor is teaching Computer Science 101..."
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